AboutAmarnath.B Expertise Helping build recovery in the lives of individuals, families and communities affected by alcoholism, drug dependency and related diseases.
Involved in counseling/rehabilitation.
Can answer any question on this subject.
Experience 8 Years of Counseling in chemical dependency.
Education/Credentials Graduate/Post Graduate
DLCAS Hazelden/Addiction Studies/Theory & Practice of Addiction Counseling/Dual Disorders.
HIV/AIDS & Substance Abuse.
Can answer any questions on Alcohol related problems.
Question First let me say that I feel blessed to come across your name on the internet
because I have no one to talk to. Yes I'm married but my husband is my son's
stepfather, has never had any children and he doesn't understand what a Mother
goes through from the heartache I feel right now. My 23 year old son just threw
away a 5 year career in the Navy over alcohol. He was arrested in December 2008
for a DUI (I didn't find out until June 2009) and was going through Navy offered
classes and rehab. He had paid off a high dollar amount in fines, performed
community service, license revoked for 1 year and was scheduled to complete all
programs on August 10th 2009. I received a letter from him on August 10th
(through the Department of Corrections) that he was in Duval County jail in
Florida on a second DUI charge and that the Navy has booted him out. In this
letter he says he made "bad decisions" and I'm just livid at his ignorance as he
learned nothing the first time he went through this. I am just sick.
He was stationed in Jacksonville FL and I live in Alabama and there's nothing
that I can do financially for him (bail, fines, etc) because I cannot afford it
nor do I want him to be in a mind frame thinking I'll "bailed him out" because I
don't want this to be easy for him. Please just talk to me and tell me what to
put in the letters I write him while he's incarcerated because I'm broken
between love and anger right now.
Thanks for your help.
Answer Hello Susanne,
At the outset, thank you very much for your question.
The first thing is to understand the Cycle of Addiction in which you and your son are in and into which you have become entrapped probably unconsciously. By understanding that addiction is a physiological illness, based on chemical dependency, which then dominates and warps the psychology of the addict, one is better able to see that the addiction is solely an individual journey for that person.
Alcoholism is a progressive & fatal disease, and cannot be cured it can only be arrested by total abstinence. The disease however, will continue to grow. Your son drinks because the disease of alcoholism makes him drink. Support, moral and emotional is important at this point of time for an alcoholic. You are right when you said that you didn’t want your son to get into thinking that you are always there to bail him out. Most mothers of alcoholics are enablers and enabling does come in the way of a person’s recovery.
Susanne,being angry now will not serve any purpose but will only make your son start having resentment towards you. Explain to your son that he has a disease called ‘alcoholism’ for which there is no cure. It can only be arrested by total abstinence. If he continues drinking he will either end up in an asylum or will die an alcoholic death. Tell him how much you love him and how much more you want him to come clean and lead a happy and sober life. Your son is young and he has a whole life ahead of him. By your description he has become a full blown alcoholic and he should realize now that he can never be a gentleman drinker, he can never go back to social drinking. The moment he takes the first drink the cycle starts, and he will end up in a worse situation than he is now.
Susanne, reiterate the fact to your son that you still love him and you will always be there to support him once he gets into recovery and starts a new life of total abstinence and sobriety. I’m sure there are counselors in the prison and they must have told him about Alcoholics Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous is the proven way of long term life long sobriety. He has to adapt the AA way of living and this is the only long term solution he has for his sobriety. Millions of people have recovered from this dreadful disease through AA and are leading a very happy and fruitful life.
Susanne, you have become what is called as ‘codependent’ in this relationship. Al-Anon is a fellowship, an offshoot of AA, for family and friends of alcoholics. Here you will find like minded people who have been through similar situations or worse. I suggest you attend a few of these meetings & it is here you will draw strength & hope in learning how to cope up with a loved one who is an alcoholic. You will also learn how to deal with them.
I will reiterate again that the disease of alcoholism progresses even as the alcoholic has kicked his habit. The only known way of continued abstinence is the AA way which is a life long journey. Since, you have become a co-dependent which is also an illness, your continued association with Al-Anon is imperative. The general focus of Al-Anon is getting free of the unnecessary pain and suffering that results from living/dealing with an alcoholic.
Susanne, I hope and pray that your son gets well soon. I you have any questions or concerns please do not hesitate to mail me back. God bless.
