Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 9/27/2009

Question
Hi, I am an alcoholic that is 4 months into my recovery.  While I drank off and on since I was 16, the worst of my drinking started after my son's death 4 years ago.  I am now 45.  I've had a sponsor since the 2nd week of my recovery.  I went to AA on my own and am working the steps.  No court orders, no hospital time.  I was sick of myself.  
My concern is... though I am working the steps, staying sober, going to meetings almost every day, my sponsor still finds small reasons to berate or embarrass me.  Sometimes in front of the group, giving out information I told to her as a closed mouth friend.  

Recently I was accepted to study under a local artist.  A big honor.  I oil paint, impressionist style.  I am a full time student working on my masters, and a single mother.  The art study takes most of my Wednesday and I go to school Wed night.  My sponsor wants me to forgo the art so I can make Wed AA meetings.  I go every other day of the week, sometimes twice a day.  When I asked another very sober member of AA if that seemed right, I was told that my sponsor was supposed to make me angry.

That just sounds like crazy talk to me.  

A few weeks ago I told my sponsor I wasn't going to a meeting so I could be with my daughter while she was having her senior class pics taken.  This led to a 20 rant from my sponsor about how I will have nothing without my sobriety.  I decided that in 20 years my daughter won't remember if I went to a meeting on Aug 21st but she would remember if I went with her to take her pictures.  
All this is making me wonder what the hell the 12 steps have to do with my sobriety anyway.  Why work through my issues with someone that seems to have control issues of her own?
I don't want to drink, and I do want the best of recovery, but I also quit so I could live my life.
Am I nuts?

Answer
Greetings to you, Tina!

I have never before had a question quite like yours sent to me, but I definitely believe I can help!

You have written:

>> Hi, I am an alcoholic that is 4 months into my recovery.

I hear that as "four months into taking the Steps", and that is a great place to be.  Many people today are merely "in the Fellowship" while trying to not drink, but "in recovery" (or "in the Steps") is where the drink problem can actually be removed.  And after that, “in the program” (Step Twelve) is where we practice living our lives spiritually.

>> I went to AA on my own ... I was sick of myself.

Same here.

>> My concern is... my sponsor still finds small reasons to berate or embarrass me.  Sometimes in front of the group, giving out information I told to her as a closed mouth friend.

If anyone else is available and willing to help, I suggest getting a different sponsor.  Having a laugh or getting any kind of attention at the expense of another is unacceptable, and even if someone is trying to be helpful while using something said in confidence.  Here is a little about that:

"We families of Alcoholics Anonymous [and A.A. members] keep few skeletons in the closet.  Everyone knows about the others' alcoholic troubles.  This is a condition which, in ordinary life, would produce untold grief; there might be scandalous gossip, laughter at the expense of other people, and a tendency to take advantage of intimate information.  Among us, these are rare occurrences.  We do talk about each other a great deal, but we almost invariably temper such talk by a spirit of love and tolerance.
"[But another] principle we observe carefully is that we do not relate intimate experiences of another person unless we are sure s/he would approve.  We find it better, when possible, to stick to our own stories.  A wo/man may criticize or laugh at himself and it will affect others favorably, but criticism or ridicule coming from another often produces the contrary effect.  Members of a family [as well as A.A. members] should watch such matters carefully, for one careless, inconsiderate remark has been known to raise the very devil.  We alcoholics are sensitive people.  It takes some of us a long time to outgrow that serious handicap [but even then we must still guard everyone’s dignity]." ("A.A.", the book, page 125)

>> My sponsor wants me to forgo the art so I can make Wed AA meetings.

I say that is not necessary.  Overall, the principle here is this:

"We all had to place recovery above everything, for without recovery we would have lost both home and business." ("A.A.", the book, page 143)

You do not seem to be placing your art ahead of recovery.

>> When I asked another very sober member of AA if that seemed right, I was told that my sponsor was supposed to make me angry.  That just sounds like crazy talk to me.

A sponsor’s job is to help you take the Steps, not to intimidate or manipulate you into or through them.  At the same time, we can read in Step Four in the 12&12 that a good sponsor looks for “a chink in the wall the ego has built and through which the light of reason can shine”, or something close to that.  If someone tells me they have no resentments, I might intentionally anger them a bit to help them see they are not actually so serene as they might think ... but my job there is only to try to help someone else see ourselves as we actually are.  In my own opinion, some folks confuse sponsorship with initiation or even hazing ... and that is just not part of the fellowship described on page 152:

“‘I know I must get along without liquor, but how can I?  Have you a sufficient substitute?’
“Yes, there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that.  It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous.  There you will find release from care, boredom and worry.  Your imagination will be fired.  Life will mean something at last.  The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead.  Thus we find the fellowship [we share here], and so will you.”

>> A few weeks ago I told my sponsor I wasn't going to a meeting so I could be with my daughter ...
>> I decided that in 20 years my daughter won't remember if I went to a meeting on Aug 21st but she would remember if I went with her to take her pictures.

I concur.

>> All this is making me wonder what the hell the 12 steps have to do with my sobriety anyway.

Sobriety is a byproduct of recovery, and recovery comes by taking the Steps.

>> Why work through my issues with someone that seems to have control issues of her own?

It would take pages to explain all the intricacies there, but the bottom line is always to “trust in God and clean house” (page 98) even if the help we sometimes get along the way does not come through perfect human beings.

>> I don't want to drink, and I do want the best of recovery, but I also quit so I could live my life.
>> Am I nuts?

No, and please know you are always welcomed to write.

Joseph Lee