Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 9/11/2009

Question
My husband is a recovering alcoholic, who still struggles with his addiction.  My parents are having my husband and I over to dinner at their house, to celebrate my sisters 28th birthday. IN attendance will be my parents, my husband and I, and my sister and her girlfriend.  Yes, they are gay.   I don't drink, my parents don't drink, my sister doesn't drink, and my husband obviously doesn't drink.  My  sisters new partner is the only one who drinks.  She has asked that corona be served at the dinner.  Again, she will be the only one drinking.  My parents said they will serve it in a plastic cup.  My husband and I do not agree that this will help and think that no alcohol should be served. We think the girlfriend should be able to go without drinking for two hours.  Especially since my husbands sobriety is at stake.  What is your opinion.

Answer
Hello Dawn,
Your question is an excellent one that comes up frequently for persons in recovery. The best answer is that your husband's recovery and struggles with abstinence are ultimately HIS issues, meaning that he must make decisions on whether a particular situation is a danger to his recovery and what to do about it. In other words, an alcoholic cannot expect others to not have liquor around or to not drink in his presence. He needs to decide if he should place himself in a "slippery" situation or not. Or he can go to an event where there is drinking if he has support (such as you) and is confident of his recovery. You do not specify what his recovery program is, that is, does he go to therapy or AA? Does he have a mentor in recovery (a sponsor in AA)? Does he have a spiritual source of strength to help him to stay away from that first drink? The general rule in early recovery, and when someone is struggling with his recovery, is to avoid situations in which the alcoholic may be placed at risk. With solid sobriety of six months to a year, a person may elect to attend a function where there may be some social drinking incidental to getting together and not the focus of the event. The girlfriend you mention may or may not have a problem, but as I said, recovering people cannot control other's choices to drink, only their own. I myself after a long time sober will attend functions where others may be drinking but, if I become uncomfortable, I will leave, and my wife and I have no alcohol at home and do not serve alcohol to anyone at our social functions. Good luck.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com