Expert: Amarnath.B - 9/4/2009

Question
Hello Amarnath,

I am a 49-yr old female that has been sober now for 5 yrs. and love it.  My significant other, who is 51 yo has been living with me for 2 yrs. and started working for me about a year ago.  He is a vital part of my vacation rental business in Florida, and we are planning on moving to FL the end of Sep 09 for 6 months and then coming back to MN for the summer months to be with family.  Over the past 2 yrs, he has asked me to marry him, I finally have said yes.  However, he is a drinker, and my concern is my commitment to a drinker.  I know it is not healthy for me to be in a relationship with a drinker, although I have not had the urge to drink.  Before I met him, he drank everyday.  We have talked about his drinking many times.  He now drinks 3-4 times per week, but when he drinks, most of the time he gets drunk, minimum 8-10 beers, which I think is excessive.  This past weekend he got totally drunk both Fri & Sat nite (12-14+ beers each nite).  I am sure this would count as excessive drinking.  On Sunday, I told him that his drinking is getting out of control and I wanted him to quit altogether.  I asked him to leave that day and to think about stopping drinking and he is now living with his adult daughter.  He said he will quit totally starting Sunday, but I am having my doubts, he has been drunk every nite since he left on Sunday.  I think he needs professional help and he said he can stop on his own.  I love him dearly and he is a huge asset to my business, but I am scared because of the drinking and how I can continue to tolerate it or should I even tolerate it.  He is not abusive at all and a very nice guy, just drinks.  Should I let him go completely OR give him a chance to quit drinking OR tell him to come back if he can cutdown on the # of beers.  Should I even allow him to drink in my house? Am I being SELFISH by asking him to quit drinking for my sake? I am only 3 weeks from moving to Florida, and don't know if I should do it alone or with him along--we have been planning this move for about a year now, and are very excited. Should I let him return to my house and help him be sober?

Please give me your input.
Thanks,
Pam


Answer
Hello Pam.

Thank you for your question and congratulations on your 5-year sobriety.

Pam, sobriety is a gift of God and your gift in return is not to pick up the first drink.  Maintenance of your sobriety should take the prime place in your life.  You should always keep in mind that alcohol is your number one problem.  No other problem, be it family or business, friends or anything else take precedence over your alcoholic problem.  If you are selfish in asking your significant other to stop drinking for your own sobriety then you are doing the right thing.  But if you want him to stop drinking because it affects your business then God help you.  You are setting impossible standards to reach materialistic goals which is not what a recovering alcoholic should be doing.  I do not know if you have embraced AA and the AA way of living.  AA way of living a sober life is maintenance of your sobriety.

Pam, recovery is not an accident.  You may be mystified by it or surprised to be feeling better.  Some of us call it a miracle.  You have worked hard in your recovery.  You have suffered through some difficulties.  Yet, your recovery is not an achievement or an accomplishment.  It is a gift from your Higher Power.  You were powerless to help yourself.  

Think about it Pam.  By having a drinker as a significant other you are treading a dangerous path.  As it is alcoholics tread a very slippery path.  Every alcoholic lives on borrowed time.  You should now draw lines in this relationship to save your own life.  Take a break and concentrate on your sobriety.  Tell your significant other that more than anything else his sobriety is of utmost importance for this relationship.  Not business nor anything else.  Ask him to seek help.  Introduce him to Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 Steps to Freedom.  Help him join you walk the recovery path.  Then see how beautiful life will be for both of you.  Do not plan anything now till your significant other gets sober.  If he refuses, then you will have to move on.  Nothing is more important in this life for you Pam, than your own sobriety.  

I hope I have made it clear to you Pam.  I hope and pray you make the right decisions for your own good.  I also hope and pray that your significant other gets sober and starts his journey into a new life of sobriety, love, peace, & happiness.  Please do not hesitate to mail me if you have any questions or concerns.


I wish you well and God bless.


Amarnath