Addiction to Alcohol/Alcoholic relationship

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Expert: - 9/4/2009


Question
Hi Todd,

I am a 49-yr old female that has been sober now for 5 yrs. and love it.  My significant other, who is 51 yo has been living with me for 2 yrs. and started working for me about a year ago.  He is a vital part of my vacation rental business in Florida, and we are planning on moving to FL the end of Sep 09 for 6 months and then coming back to MN for the summer months to be with family.  Over the past 2 yrs, he has asked me to marry him, I finally have said yes.  However, he is a drinker, and my concern is my commitment to a drinker.  I know it is not healthy for me to be in a relationship with a drinker, although I have not had the urge to drink.  Before I met him, he drank everyday.  We have talked about his drinking many times.  He now drinks 3-4 times per week, but when he drinks, most of the time he gets drunk, minimum 8-10 beers, which I think is excessive.  This past weekend he got totally drunk both Fri & Sat nite (12-14+ beers each nite).  I am sure this would count as excessive drinking.  On Sunday, I told him that his drinking is getting out of control and I wanted him to quit altogether.  I asked him to leave that day and to think about stopping drinking and he is now living with his adult daughter.  He said he will quit totally starting Sunday, but I am having my doubts, he has been drunk every nite since he left on Sunday.  I think he needs professional help and he said he can stop on his own.  I love him dearly and he is a huge asset to my business, but I am scared because of the drinking and how I can continue to tolerate it or should I even tolerate it.  He is not abusive at all and a very nice guy, just drinks.  Should I let him go completely OR give him a chance to quit drinking OR tell him to come back if he can cutdown on the # of beers.  Should I even allow him to drink in my house? Am I being SELFISH by asking him to quit drinking for my sake? I am only 3 weeks from moving to Florida, and don't know if I should do it alone or with him along--we have been planning this move for about a year now, and are very excited. Should I let him return to my house and help him be sober?

Please give me your input.
Thanks,
Pam


Answer
Hi Pam,,,

Thanks so much for the question - I can see you really want to move past this.

I sense that you already know this is a problem or you wouldn't be writing to someone on an advice website. I don't need to know the answer, however I wonder if you would have any difficulty saying bye to your friend if he wasn't a part of your business??

I have been sober for 29 years..while I don't broadcast my sobriety, staying sober is the single most important thing in my life. I don't think you're being selfish, in fact I would think it selfish if you didn't ask him..the last thing we want to do is to bend like a pretzel to accommodate someone else.

I don't see how it would be possible to tolerate your friend's behavior..."tolerate" means that you won't say anything but you'll constantly be annoyed.....addiction is one of the most selfish things you can do to/for yourself as well as to other people.....I think what he doesn't get is that he is making a choice to pick a beverage over a person...that seems quite selfish to me..

I don't think you need a million reasons as to why this isn't working for you.....you just need to feel that this isn't okay and set boundaries....unless you can make/develop and follow through with an ultimatum you don't have any traction.... If I was in this situation I wouldn't allow him to drink around me....I spend enough time with alcohol in my professional life..I don't want it in my personal life...I sense you are correct in that he needs professional support to get/stay sober...

While he is an asset, your sobriety is your best asset,,,,,,while it would be difficult without him when you move, I sense you'd find a way,,,,I'd suggest that quitting on Sunday is merely an excuse..he's just stalling for more time.....you do what you need to do on a regular basis....you show up in various areas in your life..it is time to ask him to do the same...

I want to encourage you to realize that you are on track..that you know exactly what you are doing, and that in many ways you know what you need to do..you simply wanted validation,,,and ya know..I think that is very wise.....

you are always welcome to write back and let me know how it works out.

Todd

Addiction to Alcohol

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Todd

Expertise

I sense it's important to let you know (upfront) that I don't have a 12-step orientation. I also want to let you know that this system won't allow us to make paragraphs, so I am using ** to separate my thoughts into paragraphs I can answer questions related to getting/staying sober, queries related to support for loved ones, questions on support groups, relapse prevention, communication skills, alcohol and drug pharmacology, spirituality, and finding ways to increase joy within sobriety. I see sobriety as a skill, understand that recovery looks different for everybody, and encourage people to find a sobriety mentor. **It has been my experience that in 12-step groups many people are seen to fail under the guise of a lack of willingness. When I used to attend meetings I'd see many people who were shamed and bullied over various medications they needed to take...telling people they can't take various medications is akin to playing God. I have yet to understand how taking MH meds is any different than taking any other medication which you need to thrive and support your health. **As there is so much shame, stigma, myths, and misinformation in this culture around CD (many of my clients will tell you that it is easier to be mentally ill than it is to have any sort of chemical dependency issue - in some way people are seen to be able to control their alcohol/drug using behaviors..not so with mental illness) folks first need to come to a place where they move beyond the stigma they internalize. **There is a term in social psychology called 'introjection'.....that is, when this culture views something in a certain way, we take on the facets of that stereotype...think about CD or folks who are gay/lesbian...this culture views these things in a negative way...we internalize this and feel poorly as a result.....as a mentor said, our culture fails gravely at being humane

Experience

I've been working in the field of addictions for nearly 27 years, within the inpatient and outpatient setting, as well as working in the Department of Corrections, the Director of Counseling for a large chemical dependency hospital, to where I'm currently employed doing in-home mental health and chemical dependency engagement with (mostly) seniors. I also have a contract gig running the entire CD program for a long-term transitional program to support people to overcome homelessness. As I've been doing this work for many years I am currently teaching a college class: intro to chemical dependency. It's been neat to see my students 'get it' and understand that they can have a huge impact on people and how they navigate their recovery. I've been sober for over 29 years and have a sense of what is required to maintain long-term sobriety and abstinence, and engage lasting change. **I am a huge fan of various anti-craving medications. In some recovery circles this is taboo, however, it's been my experience that there is no reward for suffering. **I also understand that as recovery looks different for everybody, perhaps someone's program could be riding a bike, spending time with family, doing yoga, swimming, writing in a journal, spending time with friends, therapy, playing with a pet, reading spiritual literature, etc....it seems to me that many paths have merit.

Organizations
National/state organizations relative to chemical dependency and addictive disorders.

Publications
http://www.askanaddictioncounselor.com

Education/Credentials
Degree/certification as a chemical dependency counselor, and state certification as an addiction professional.I'm working towards further graduate studies in clinical psychopharmacology.

Awards and Honors
Last year I was invited to do a five-hour presentation on various facets of addictive disorders as a very large behavioral health hospital. I was somewhat resistant as I was a bit nervous to speak in front of 2000 people. I had no idea my approach would be so welcome. I sense that it's hard to remember how much we know.

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