Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 9/4/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi Jan,

I am a 49-yr old female that has been in recovery now for 5 yrs. and love it.  My significant other, who is 51 yo has been living with me and working for me for 2 yrs now.  He is a vital part of my vacation rental business in Florida, and we are planning on moving to FL the end of Sep 09 for 6 months and then coming back to MN for the summer months to be with family.  Over the past 2 yrs, he has asked me to marry him, I finally have said yes.  However, he is a drinker, and my concern is my commitment to a drinker.  I know it is not healthy for me to be in a relationship with a drinker, although I have not had the urge to drink.  Before I met him, he drank everyday.  We have talked about his drinking many times.  He now drinks 3-4 times per week, but when he drinks, most of the time he gets drunk, minimum 8-10 beers, which I think is excessive.  This past weekend he got totally drunk both Fri & Sat nite (12-14+ beers each nite).  I am sure this would count as excessive drinking.  On Sunday, I told him that his drinking is getting out of control and I wanted him to quit altogether.  I asked him to leave that day and he is with his daughter now.  He said he will quit totally starting Sunday, but I am having my doubts, he has been drunk every nite since he left on Sunday.  I think he needs professional help and he said he can stop on his own.  I love him dearly and he is a huge asset to my business, but I am scared because of the drinking and how I can continue to tolerate it or should I even tolerate it.  He is not abusive at all and a very nice guy, just drinks.  Should I let him go completely OR give him a chance to quit drinking OR tell him to come back if he can cutdown on the # of beers.  Am I being SELFISH by asking him to quit drinking for my sake? I am only 3 weeks from moving to Florida, and don't know if I should do it alone or with him along--we have been planning this move for about a year now, and are very excited.

Please give me your input.
Thanks,
Pam


ANSWER: Hi Pam,
Congratulations on your 5 years of recovery. I know how painful it is to love an alcoholic which is clearly the condition that your significant other has. A pattern of getting drunk virtually every time one drinks despite the tension it causes in a significant relationship strongly suggests loss of control, drinking in the face of adverse consequences, and potential damage to health. He may not be abusive in the normal sense of the term, but drunkenness results in loss of companionship, and emotional stress and pain that amount to abuse. You are not being selfish asking him to quit drinking, BUT I would not ask him to stop for your sake but because he is an alcoholic who is drinking excessively which injures his health and makes a successful intimate relationship impossible. You have the right, indeed deserve, a relationship with an emotionally healthy man; also consider your own recovery as a primary factor here. As a recovering person myself, I would not be comfortable with an intimate relationship with an actively drinking alcohoic. You ask a number of very specific questions that I think it better that you sort out as you go along. I agree that he needs to abstain and may need professional help to do so and suggest that the help also include AA attendance. I suggest that you consider an ultimatum of sorts, stating that you cannot commit to a marriage with an actively drinking alcoholic, that you may have to reconsider even the business relationship, unless he stops drinking altogether and is in an active recovery program, including, hopefully, at least regular (perhaps daily for the first six months or so) attendance of AA. You may wish to consider attending Al-Anon (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/) for support and information on how to take care of yourself and not enable your significant other's alcoholism. Check out my site listed below for more information and professional help. Good luck.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Jan,
Thank you so much for the reply, it all makes definite sense to me and I do believe in what you say.  I have been in (2) 30-day inpatient rehab treatment facilities, gone to AA meetings for about 5 yrs. now and has sought therapy via several psychologists and counselors, so I am pretty well educated on alcoholism.  Plus, I do read about it. Just one last question: He has claimed he is going to quit drinking this weekend, although he has no support where he is currently living, but his daughter drinks very very little.  Would it be crazy to allow him to move back into my house, so I can support his "stop drinking" commitment OR should I let him figure that out on his own?????

Thanks again,
Pam

Answer
Hi Pam,
I can't answer your question more specifically than to say this: I would condition his moving back very strictly: no alcohol at all; attend AA daily if possible; if relapses, must leave and go to formal treatment. He will undoubtedly need more than your support to stop. For more help from me go to my site: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com. Good luck.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com