Expert: Clyde - 9/3/2009

Question
Hi Clyde,

I am a 49-yr old female that has been in recovery now for 5 yrs. and love it.  My significant other, who is 51 yo has been living with me and working for me for 2 yrs now.  He is a vital part of my vacation rental business in Florida, and we are planning on moving to FL the end of Sep 09 for 6 months and then coming back to MN for the summer months to be with family.  Over the past 2 yrs, he has asked me to marry him, I finally have said yes.  However, he is a drinker, and my concern is my commitment to a drinker.  I know it is not healthy for me to be in a relationship with a drinker, although I have not had the urge to drink.  Before I met him, he drank everyday.  We have talked about his drinking many times.  He now drinks 3-4 times per week, but when he drinks, most of the time he gets drunk, minimum 8-10 beers, which I think is excessive.  This past weekend he got totally drunk both Fri & Sat nite (12-14+ beers each nite).  I am sure this would count as excessive drinking.  On Sunday, I told him that his drinking is getting out of control and I wanted him to quit altogether.  I asked him to leave that day and he is with his daughter now.  He said he will quit totally starting Sunday, but I am having my doubts, he has been drunk every nite since he left on Sunday.  I think he needs professional help and he said he can stop on his own.  I love him dearly and he is a huge asset to my business, but I am scared because of the drinking and how I can continue to tolerate it or should I even tolerate it.  He is not abusive at all and a very nice guy, just drinks.  Should I let him go completely OR give him a chance to quit drinking OR tell him to come back if he can cutdown on the # of beers.  I am only 3 weeks from moving to Florida, and don't know if I should do it alone or with him along--we have been planning this move for about a year now, and are very excited.

Please give me your input.
Thanks,
Pam

Answer
Pam,
   Thank you for your questions and the information on the drinking habits.  When you mentioned he said he'd quit this coming Sunday, it reminded me of a book titled "I'll Quit Tomorrow."  Don't bet on it.

   You have been in recovery long enough to have reaped the benefits of a sober life.  You have evidently learned the hard lesson that too many people never will get - live life on life's terms and meet the challenges without hiding in any form of addictive behavior!  Drinkers are still caught up in the lies of living in fear and all sorts of other issues.  They need to figure it out but the drink gets in the way.

   I would not be comfortable, myself, with a companion and future mate who gets drunk.  You state that you know it is not good to be in relationship with a person who drinks; well, I used to say that, but now I have tempered it with some experience and I would say it is not necessarily the case.  A drinker, yes, but a drunk, No.  You have evidently made a personal commitment to stay sober, however you are doing it, and so you perhaps have the capacity to tolerate drink.  The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous even says that we are to be tolerant of alcohol.

   My suggestion is do this move alone.  I wouldn't necessarily drop the guy but you would probably be better off alone and make the transition by yourself.  It is a hard thing for an alcoholic to make major life changes. I am not saying he is an alcoholic but if he is it will take a toll.  Once you are established then address the relationship issues and the drinking.

   I hope this helps and write again if I can be of any help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde