Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 9/30/2009

Question
My husband ended a long term affair about 2 years ago, during the affair he drank all the time before that he only had a couple beers or a vodka on the rocks at a social event.  Currently my husband is drinking every day sometimes he drinks on his lunch hour and he drinks every night when he comes home.  He drinks straight vodka.  He blames me for his drinking because he says I am not a good wife to him.  I'm a stay at home mom with two young boys. I cook and clean and do everything needed of me.  The drinking has become such a huge problem , he becomes out of control and angry when he drinks and always claims the next morning that he can not remember any of this.  I really want him to get help and I have suggested it often but he refuses saying if I would change he would have not reason to drink....I am scared for him and sometimes more often then not scared of how he gets when he drinks. I have asked him not to bring alcohol into the house , I have told him that he is not being a good role model for the boys, I have told him he scares me, told him I would file for divorce if things don't change nothing seems to get through to him....Any ideas on what I can do to help him?  Any advise would be great.  Thank you so much for taking the time to hear me.

Answer
Hello Michelle,
I regret that you are in this difficult situation. It is very painful to watch a loved one's drinking get out of control. It seems clear that your husband's drinking meets the criteria for alcoholism: a pattern of blackouts, negative personality change, loss of control, damage to relationships. Unfortunately, the power of the disease of alcoholism is such that rarely will any alcoholic decide to seek help and abstinence without negative consequences and usually a lot of pain, to him, not just those around him. Usually, the alcoholic's denial is such that he can rationalize that the only person he is hurting is himself (never true, of course), and, as in your case, blame his drinking on some external, such as his wife. I offer denial and the power of addictive disease only as an EXPLANATION of your husband's hurtful behaviors, NOT as an excuse for them.

I have several suggestions. I suggest that you think about meeting with an interventionist (see, for example, http://www.intervention.com/; http://www.intervene.com/) to discuss an intervention to get your husband to agree to treatment. One of the goals of an intervention would be to help your husband to develop an awareness at a feeling level of how his drinking has hurt you and his children. Treatment programs often will offer intervention services for free, but, of course, will guide the alcoholic to treatment in their particular facility.

I think it important that you learn about alcoholism and its effects on you and your young children who need to be talked to about what is happening to their father. No one can control whether an alcoholic drinks or how much the alcoholic drinks. I strongly suggest that you think about attending meetings of Al-Anon, http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ the Twelve Step Program for persons who love an alcoholic, to learn how not to enable your spouse's continuing to drink, and for support for yourself and your children. See also my website: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com/FamilyAddictionsCounselingonline.html Just copy the address and paste it into your browser. Good luck.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com