Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 9/17/2009

Question
Hi
Please advise me if possible
To cut a long story short my hubby of 10 years who is an alcoholic was off drink 5 months. In the flick of a switch the mood changed and 4 days later drink was again produced. Although has not been drunk (3 nights, 2 cans each night) the mood is back to withdrawal, irritable, generally foul and down.
I was the “nagging” wife in his eyes when in reality I was an enabler. I cried, pleaded, begged, talked sense etc, etc, - but I have decided no more.
I am trying to detach from the drinking for my own mental health. I love him and we have 3 young children who love him but I have to let go of something I have no control over. I have to control myself and how I let things affect me – ALL very much easier said than done.
But I am confused as to what to do about these scenarios:
1.   He tries to wind me up, get at me, get a reaction, push my buttons by being ratty with kids – they “seem” to let it run off them like water of a ducks back – do I tell him not to speak to them like that? Is that still enabling? Or do I say nothing (detach)?
2.   I always (maybe I only thought) “hid” their drunken father from them. They are 8/6/4 – Is it ok to explain alcoholism to young children? If he was lying drunk in front of them, which I never allowed, should I let them see?
He has admitted he has a problem, he has admitted he may have depression, and somewhere that coupled with my new approach (looking after me) gives me hope for him seeking help. But regardless I have to change for me and kids and I hope you understand why I am asking above. I know it will be your opinion but I really want my children to have a strong mother who did or tried to do right thing regardless of their father. I would value your opinion
Thanks
Maggie


Answer
Dear Maggie

Alanon is a support group that helps people who have been hurt by alcoholics. There is also a program called Alateens for adolescents who have alcoholic parents. I would recommend that you go so some meetings to see if that can help find some answers for you. You could leave some pamphlets for AA lying around to see if he would get the hint. You are correct, you have to "let go with love". As far as how he treats the children, my mother never stood up to my alcoholic father when he abused us. I would have liked it if she had, even though it wouldn't have done any good. Be kind, and always speak from your heart. Good luck.