Expert: Clyde - 9/20/2009

Question
I have stuck by my husband for nearly 25 years of marriage and through the various ups, downs, pain, rejection, etc. that comes with being married to an alcoholic. He joined AA just over one year ago and has been amazing in his recovery. I admire his strength and courage at coming this far. So what is the problem? Now he is seeking divorce/separation. He contends that he never loved me (though he has told me he loves me even since he began recovery) and that we are wrong for each other. He says that now that he has stopped drinking his thinking is much clearer and he is not happy being married to me. He has also stated that divorce after sobriety is very common as he sees this in his local AA group. I have just spent several hours searching the web to find anything to support or refute his statement but mainly found information about how alcoholism leads to divorce, not sobriety! We have come so far, I have put up with so much, and we have 4 children who would be very adversely affected if we go ahead with separation at this stage. I feel that I have put so much into being there for him that he should at least be willing to really work at doing what it might take to turn things around. Am I right to distrust his thinking at this stage, even with one year of sobriety behind him or is this now the "real" him? I am not opposed to divorce on the whole even though my upbringing and character rejects it, but it seems a huge disservice to our children to not work at staying together.

Answer
Robin,
    Thank you for your questions and for the explanation of the issue you face.  It is true that there are many divorces shortly before recovery begins (the last straw has usually been broken); and shortly after.  Those before recovery don't matter much in your case so let's dispense with that discussion.

    It is my experience as I began recovery 15 years ago that I truly did discover that I had been living a "false" self.  The drinking had become so ingrained into my behaviors I really lost the real me.  Someone told me early in recovery that "I never had to drink again" and that released me from the bondage of the old alcoholic thinking and gave me the renewed chance to learn who I really was.  For me it was remarkable and , to use your word, amazing.  I had come to the point of wanting to quit drinking but I could not find out how to do it.  I had floundered in that condition for years.  So, I do believe that newly sober individuals can experience this "real" identity.  You might want to call it a crisis but for me I would call it a miracle.

    As to your husband's newly found self and discovering he never really loved you, I would be cautious to come to that conclusion.  It sounds as if you have been given two different sides of the coin - he loves you, and he doesn't.  It is very common for people in the program to be sidetracked by other recovering persons and their hidden agendas.  I am not saying that is happening in your husband's case but it is true in some cases.  IF he has a sponsor who is not trustworthy and abusing their power or if he has been hoodwinked by some female, he may be misled in his recovery.  I would hope not, but this also happens.  We say in the program that "we are not the bastion of mental health" as we begin very sick people trying to get better.  So we do not know what he has encountered among his recovering friends.  If he is in any of these situations, it does not allow him to work through the confusion of thinking and make decisions about family.

    A second and more common divorce scenario is the spouse leaving the recovering drunk because the drunk is no longer "predictable" but that is not the case for you and your husband.

    As a recovering person works on their program (and you do not say where he may be in his) they work through their "inventory" in step 4 and this includes faults and guilt and things they have not wanted to look at honestly.  Many times there are hidden issues here that the recovering persons does not wish to face and they may run from them.  For example, if he has done something in the marriage for which he is simply too guilty, he may elect to take the easy way out and leave.  That way he does not have to make a heartfelt amend to you later (step nine).  This is only a possibility.

    If he is sincere in his understanding that he has been living a false life, he may really need to rectify that by being honest and, although hurtful now, making the tough choices to let you go and move on his separate way.  This is extremely unfortunate but in the long run it serves the best, for honesty has finally come, and the grief work begins for those who are being left behind.  It is tough on the children but they seem to be rather resilient if the two partners are able to move into the new situation of divorce in healthy ways.  Many alcoholics do not but if they find good sponsors who will not meddle, anything is possible.  Perhaps the separation time, although scary for the partner being left, will be sufficient for the person to discover they really do miss the partner and the family.  They may return.

   I hope this may help a little.  Basically you will have no control over his newly found self and it will be up to him to surround himself with healthy well-meaning recovering people in which to continue to grow in sobriety.

    Please write again if you have any further questions.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde