Expert: Beverley Glazer - 9/3/2009

Question
I have been married to an alcoholic for several years. I have become very close to my step children. My spouse has become increasingly worse, threatening to destroy me if I file for divorce. I do not care about that, however, we have 2 children living with us, both teenagers and they are very close to each other, one is mine, the other is my step child. My fear is that divorcing will protect my child, but will leave my spouse with their child alone, which will put the child in danger. There is an older sibling (in their 30's) who is  aware of the situation, who will gladly to take custody, but we would have to go to court to have my spouse declared unfit. 60% of my spouses children are willing to testify that this person is an alcoholic (the older children will testify that it has been this way for more than 10 years) who is prone to violent outbursts. These children are no longer living at home, they are older, married, and no longer fearful of the repercussions of standing up to their parent. The problem is that there are no police reports to back this up. Currently after discussing things with both children in the house, we came to the conclusion that the only way to protect my step child is to remain in the current situation and make the best of it. I am very willing to do this because I care very deeply about both of my children (my spouses child and my biological child). I treat all of our children as my own. I care for and love all our children as if they were my own biological children and most of them feel the same about me I would gladly do whatever is necessary to protect them from this person. We have agreed that there will be no more drinking (as we have agreed for the past several years every time they are sober) however this time, my spouses parents have greed that any time I find my spouse has been drinking, they will come and pick up their child and keep them until they are sober. They have agreed to this, but will not let their child move into their home even for one night, because of the alcoholism. In your opinion am I enabling my spouse to remain an alcoholic? or am I doing the right thing by protecting my step child? 2 of my spouses biological children have already become alcoholics, one successfully fighting it and the other embracing the alcoholic lifestyle.

Answer
Hi Max,

This is a very difficult situation, and divorce seems like the only option, but has your wife gone into treatment for drinking? The first thing you have to do is to stand up to her. Tell her that you're not threaten to be taken to the cleaners, because as an alcoholic she doesn't have much of a chance.

Tell her that the situation is intolerable for both you and the kids and she has to do something because everyone loves her very much and she's killing herself.

Here are the options: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/treatment-available.html

It's not enough for her to stop drinking. She still has to get help. The AA membership is a very good support system for alcoholic/addicts. Demand that she goes to meetings and gets herself a sponsor. She can also get out patient therapy or inpatient if necessary.

For you, the best option would be Al-Anon meetings. This is a support system for family members of alcoholics and you'll meet other people in similar situations.It will also help you deal with the family issues

Both your child and your stepchild are at vulnerable ages. The Al-Anon meetings would be helpful for them as well. Some areas have Al-Ateen meetings, and if these groups are in your area encourage them to go.

Both children need protection and understanding from his alcoholic environment. By standing up to your wife and demanding that she gets whatever help she needs, you will not be enabling her to continue to manipulate you by using the kids or money as bait. It's never easy, to stand up to an alcoholic, but it has to be done to get anything to change..

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts,

Good luck with this difficult situation,

Beverley Glazer
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com