Expert: Beverley Glazer - 9/30/2009

Question
Hello.  After almost 5 years with an alcoholic, I've been dumped (yet again) for another woman.  I'm sure that I've enabled his addiction over the years, although what I really hoped for was that he'd finally get help.  He knows that he's got a serious problem, but instead of reaching out for help, he buys books about alcoholism and attempts to either stop or cut down on his own.  Unlike other alcoholics I've read about, he does not become violent or abusive when he's drunk - he's actually quite pleasant.  It's the after effects that are terrible.  He's sullen, moody, distant and emotionally abusive (although, he would never admit it).  I've always been mindful about enabling him - I don't drink at all.  I know that he drinks on the sly - he hides bottles and he drinks in the middle of the night because he can never sleep the whole night and says he needs a little shot to help him get back to sleep.  Sometimes, he'll admit that he has to abstain completely from drinking and other times he'll say that he wants to drink like a "normal" person.  So - back to the present, he's informed me that he's starting fresh and that he's being "good" about his drinking.  Of course, in the past two weeks, he's called me twice after being black-out drunk in this new woman's presence.  He was scared that she was going to end it (which she did not).  This week, he told me that he's forged an emotional connection with her, and really wants to make a legitimate try at getting sober with her.  He also told me that he loves me and that who knows, maybe down the road we may have a future together. I should mention that he's continued to see me and talk to me through this time and we have continued to be intimate. In the same conversation, he complained about her shortcomings.  Is it really possible that he's left me because he believes that he's going to get sober with her? What if he does?  Does that mean that he continued drinking because he was so unhappy with ME?

Answer
Hi Joanne

Most probably you have enabled your boyfriend, however it really doesn't matter at this point.

This guy hides bottles and drinks in the middle of the night, and although he admits that he has to abstain completely from drinking, he also says he would like to drink like a normal person. It's too late for that. Your boyfriend is an alcoholic and he's not ready to change (although occasionally he says he is) Unless he gets help, you can't have a 'normal' relationship with this guy.

You are in a codependent relationship. And you'll learn more about this on this page:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/codependency.html

A codependent relationship is not healthy and it's also abusive.

Think about it: he told you he's starting fresh with someone else and called you twice in another woman's presence. He told you that he has an emotional connection with her and wants to get sober and change his life with her - not you.  Yet, he has intimate relations with you, while complaining about her.  He's keeping both of you on a hook.

We don't know why he left you, but we do know that he did.  Ask yourself why you want to take him back in the first place. He hurt you by leaving, he tells you he's emotionally involved with another woman,  he's an alcoholic..... This must be driving you crazy.

Be assured that you're not responsible for his 'happiness' or being his reason for drinking. He's an alcoholic and he has to take responsibility for that.

It's very difficult, but not impossible to get out of a co-dependent relationship, but get support of friends and family members and take the opportunity to move on.

This question was sitting in the question pool for a few days.  I'm only scheduled to answer one question per day. So feel free to contact me personally for a quicker response.

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for contacting AllExperts,

Lots of luck,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com