Expert: Clyde - 9/21/2009

Question
Hi, I am new to this site but I wanted to ask about a problem I am having with my current boyfriend of about 1 year.  I believe he is an alcoholic, although not the typical type of alcoholic that drinks every single day.  He stays away from alcohol Monday through Thursday, during the work week.  He has a good job and works hard and doesn't let drinking interfere.  However, Friday night through Sunday night he drinks from sunup to sundown.  It is not uncommon for him to wake up at 8 AM on a Saturday morning, hungover from the night before and immediately start drinking wine or beer.  He continues this non-stop.  When he is sober he is sweet and kind, honest and the best guy I have ever dated.  When he is drunk he turns into a horrible person-calling me terrible names, threatening to break up with me and kicking me out of his house.  Just so you know, I am in my late 20's and I have no problem with moderate drinking.  I enjoy a beer or a cocktail every once in awhile.  I definitely partied in my younger days in college but I am just past that kind of thing and even then I never drank that continuously.  To make matters worse, his mother is alcoholic and his father has even dragged him to AA meetings in the past.  Every time he is drinking I feel like I am on high alert waiting for things to start happening.  It has gotten to the point where I can't even be around him when he is drinking, which is on the weekends, the main times that we can be together.  Today I told him I have had it and that I need him to stop his drinking or we can't be together.  He tells me that the relationship is more important than the drinking and that he will stop but I don't believe him.  I don't think he can stop on his own and he won't seek help.  I don't think he even thinks he has a problem because he doesn't drink every day, even though I tell him it is binge drinking.  What, if anything, can I do?

Answer
K,
   Thank you for your questions and for giving me some understanding of his behaviors.

   First off, it is not the amount an alcoholic drinks nor is it important that it is weekends or weekdays.  The alcoholic who still suffers does not realize it but it is not a "drinking" thing at all - it is a "thinking" thing.  They have life all mixed up and the booze keeps them in a fog.  The alcoholic body develops a physical craving for alcohol and the mind develops a mental obsession for it.  Those two factors are the real crux of the problem.  Something has to change in a person's thinking to wake up to the truth.

   Now, what does it take to get sober and stay sober? - well, it takes a sufficient consequence to take the alcoholic to what we call a "bottom." It has to get bad enough that the person realizes something has to change.

   When that happens, the person is more open to understanding they have lost control of their mental and physical ability to stay away from alcohol.  Remember, the body chemistry wants the effects and it knows where to get it. The mind becomes bogged down in the lies of alcohol and it is deceived into picking up another drink.

   That is the long and short of the disease.

   What can you do?  Here is a suggestion:  He can not stop on his own so do not trust that he will stop.  He will go to hiding it and it will be more difficult to deal with that.  So I would stand your ground that it will not be tolerated at all  - no drinking period.  The first infraction should result in an immediate penalty of losing the relationship.  No if's and's or buts'.   You may find this difficult and it may mean you'll need to come to the realization that the relationship can not continue as it is.

   He needs to suffer some penalty such as this so that he will get some information about alcoholism and set him on a course of action to get the help he will need to make this relationship more important than alcohol.  AA is the place to do that and he may already be turned off to that by being dragged there by his father.

   I hope this may help and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde