Expert: Clyde - 9/16/2009

Question
My sister and I have been best friends for about 3 years now. We talk about anything and everything. My sister and her husband got married 3 years ago for the wrong reasons and have been having problems for over 2 years. They hardly speak to each other and they have both expressed the desire for divorce. They are only still together because of their children. I noticed my sister was starting to drink more often, shortly after her and her husband got married. She has been depressed for a while and doesn't take care of herself. I think she is an alcoholic, but of course she doesn't see that there is a problem. She shows the classic alcoholic signs of denial, excessive anger and irritability, constant fatigue, missing work to drink, hiding her drinking, etc. She blames anything she can on the people around her - nothing is ever her fault. Her drinking has gotten so bad that she literally can't go anywhere or do anything without beer. She is a stay-at-home mom to her 2 little girls (ages 2 and 4), but drinks all day long. She is mean to everyone, including her children. She puts down probably close to 7 beers a day. My sister tried to cut back once before, but gave up, saying the reason was because she no longer had the desire to. She has started disguising her beer in solo cups for when she drives, and just recently has been neglecting to put her 4 year old daughter in a car seat while driving (she is very small for her age, so she still has to ride in one). I recently informed my parents of her actions because I didn't know what else to do. They had been suspicious of her addiction for a while, but I think they were also in denial. I am very concerned for the safety of my 2 nieces as well as my sister. My parents confronted her of her behavior and now she is no longer speaking to me because she feels I betrayed her by telling my parents. She is now blaming me for the loss of our friendship, when all I was trying to do was protect my nieces. She is making me feel like I did something wrong when I was just trying to help. Her husband, whom is not a drinker, is too much of a coward to stand up to her, but those are his kids! It's almost like he doesn't even care that she's being so careless with their lives. He even opened his own bank account, deposited all of his money into it, and didn't put her name on it on purpose. She spends so much money on beer that she's draining what little money they do have. She has been secluding herself from our family, which is totally not like her. She gets angry and defensive when we try to talk to her about her drinking, and says we're exaggerating it.

I know she needs help, and I know I can't force her to see her problem, but something has to be done before something bad happens to her or those kids! Is there anything at all I can do or say to her, or is backing off and letting her fall on her face really the best thing? And...since her husband is unwilling to admit she has a problem and get her the help she needs, is there anything that either myself or our parents can do for her - like admit her to a facility instead of waiting for her to do it herself? Please help!

Thank you

Answer
Allison,
    Thank you for your questions and for contacting Allexperts.com on this serious concern.  I feel your pain and your worry and anxiety over your sister's behaviors with the drinking. There is something that you and your parents can do and you are right to be concerned for the youngsters in this case.  You and your parents can seek to do an intervention on her and possible get her admitted to some facility for inpatient treatment.  This is usually a 30 day program in which she will be confined to the facility as they detox her and try to give her the needed information she will need to understand that a sober life is what she must start living.

    I do not know where you are located but I would suggest calling a local treatment facility and telling them that you have a sister who needs to have an intervention done.  This is the proper term for this procedure.  Ask them for a phone number of some facility who will help you with this.  You will need to pursue this as you might not find the right place on the first try.  You could talk with your pastor and see if he has some contacts for this.

    You are right to be thinking of the children and it does not matter her attitude toward you for this supposed betrayal.  She is not thinking clearly enough to understand the rationale behind your clear headedness.

    Please write again if I may be of any further help and I will keep you and your family in my prayers as you discern what to do for her.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde