Expert: Beverley Glazer - 9/2/2009

Question
I've been married for 5 years and have had 3 separations from my husband because of his drinking. Finally 5 months ago he stopped drinking and started attending AA, Church and Bible College because he supposedly wants to be in the ministry. He has been doing really good and I'm really proud of him. We are not arguing anymore and things are better at home. When he met me I didn't drink. I had stopped drinking for quite sometime. My husband I never went out drinking, he just drank at home and got drunk. Now lately when I hang out at my sister house I've had a cocktail or a glass of wine. But it doesn't go further than one or two. I can't handle it anymore. But because my husband is sober, he expects me to be totally sober. When I do drink it's not around him. My son drinks but doesn't do it around him either. Is it fair for him to tell me I can't drink either as long as he isn't, regardless if it's not in front of him? I support him in what he's doing but I wasn't the one with the problem that turned everybody's life upside down and ruined our marriage. I put up with the BS and I stuck it out with him instead of divorcing him. Our marriage is still rocky and far from being fixed. He also wants me to join him in his ministry crusade, but I don't see myself doing that. Not everyone is cut out for that. I just wanted him to stop drinking, that is all. Thanks for listening

Answer
Hi Sandra,

The fact that your husband has quit drinking and is attending AA and a Bible college can only have a good effect on your relationship-but it is also very important that he gets himself a sponsor in the program. A sponsor is not only someone to reach out to when you have a craving to drink, this is the person that you work the steps with. When you work the twelve-step's, it helps you have more of an understanding of yourself and others.

This is what they are:http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/12-step-program-of-aa.html

Your husband also has to learn to relinquish control on you and the family. He has to understand that you and your son are not alcoholics, and you're still supportive of his problem by not drinking in his presence. He must understand that although you are married you are two separate people. You can support and encourage his ministry pursuits, but you may never be ready to follow his road.

It would also be helpful for both of you to seek couple counseling because although the relationship is better, there are still tuneups that has to be done.

I hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for asking AllExperts

Best of luck,

Beverley Glazer
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com