Expert: Beverley Glazer - 9/30/2009

Question
I've read a plethora of your posts. After reading a multitude of questions, I realized that my situation is not entirely unique.
I met a guy. We met at a bar. We entered a relationship quickly. We drank together frequently, both compensating for a social anxieties and got to know one another quite intimately on a personal level in an empty house in the preliminary months and at that time he and I became very close until he got his DUI (his 5th and two days before his court date, 1 day after I last saw him he got another). I, would consider myself as "recovering", I just graduated college, I live in a college town, I am working out and keeping myself busy instead of having or wanting to drink. I know I do have a problem and I have to actively monitor myself.
But, it did seem like we always drank together, we didn't intend to, but we did and I had no objections. It wasn't until a good friend told me that she thought my drinking was a problem, did I take time to do some self-evaluation and research to handle my problem.
My roommate is a heavy drinker, she drinks as a sleeping aide and I do not crave alcohol, but, I am working on cognitive behavior habits to break the convenience to just have a beer or two just because it's in the fridge.
But to the point, when he and I spent time together, he admitted several things to me, he was abused by his alcoholic step father, his mother was totally oblivious, (she literally thought that "Alcoholism can be Hereditary" meant you could get it if you had pro-created inebriated! I was flabbergasted), he was molested repeatedly by his babysitter, he was in and out of jail for DUIs... Everything flipped when he got this DUI, I don't know if he thought he was in control or couldn't deal with the reality or disappointment of his problems. I flipped out because he wouldn't communicate with me, subsequently we got into a physical fight, which I never ever ever ever saw coming because of his past, where he was almost unrecognizable and in his fit of rage, us both being overly intoxicated, I told him, You are not your father, which led him to some stark reality. After that we didn't speak or communicate. I am not one to be in relationships like these ever or at least not let them get out of hand before they do...usually.
So, we stopped speaking and then one day out of the blue, he called me. He was drunk and I was home sober. And like the stupid co-dependent I was picked him up and took him home. On the way home, as he was holding my hand tightly, he wanted me to help him. He had said things in the past, nice and not nice, but this time he said, (which was the last time he contacted me), "I wanted you" (which may seem not important, but I didn't know what that really meant, and without reading into it, his way of saying, i messed up again, but I don't think he knows how to even begin).
He is in jail now, which is probably the best thing for him, 6 months I think for sobriety. He has a problem for sure. He knew all the tricks too, sweats at night to soak up the sweat and alcohol perspiration, eye drops, etc. He is a master at this.
He is almost 30. I am 27. I thought and still do think and understand what may be involved in this, but, someone I wanted a relationship with, even marriage. But, I am reading all this material and I am thinking, What the hell...that may not even be a possibility for us, reading things like no relationships, etc. But, I can't imagine he's an exception, but that applies to everyone. And once you are in a relationship with someone who you did have that type of past with, drinking etc. I am wary of some subconscious relapse into old patterns. Is it more dangerous to get involved in past relationships when both have actively seeked help? For selfish reasons, maybe...we spoke about marriage, children, but I am not stupid to bring children in this world in this situation...I know that recovery is a lifelong process and commitment, but can you have a lifelong commitment while in this process? How long does it typically take for one to be able to be in a relationship? Is is more dangerous to be in a relationship with someone from your past...I guess, I just wonder if one's intentions could be absolutely pure towards another person or if you will always associate it with drinking?
COMPLEX I KNOW. But, I appreciate any help you can give me.

Answer
Hi Jessica,

You seem to have a good understanding of what's going on and know that this is a codependency problem.

Not only does this guy have a drinking problem, but he comes with a lot of baggage from the past. At the onset your relationship was based on drink, which is not helpful. You have your whole life ahead of you, but when he says the right thing, he can get your head spinning into possibly working this out. As you know, this is typical codependency.

It may be a helpful reminder to get a 'refresher':

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/codependency_relationship.html

To answer your questions:

1) It is not advisable to get into past relationships when both are seeking help. It's best to heal yourself and if he's not on the same page you have to move on.

2) Yes, you can have a lifelong commitment to sobriety as well as raise a family, but children should not be brought into the world when their parents are not stable. You both have to take care of yourselves first.

3) According to AA, you should not be in a relationship until you've had 1 year of sobriety. Everyone is different, but it makes sense to put yourself and your sobriety before a relationship.

4) It's always best to go into a relationship with a 'clean slate' but you should not keep secrets about the past,  As long as both parties in the couple have a sober history, a good support system, and you have a relationship that's not based on drink, it's perfectly OK.

I hope this answers your questions,
Thank you for contacting me on AllExperts

All the best

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com