Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 9/6/2009

Question
hi, i'm writing from far away from us to you with hope of getting some help, i apologize for my grammar errors. i have more that 2 years with my boyfriend, i'm 20 he is 24, and we get along perfectly, we are both metal music fans, we understand each other a lot, he is a really nice, funny and kind man and we speak a lot about future, now im worried because he drinks a lot, he used to drink 2 or 3 times a week a lot in those nights (12 or more beers and probably some vodka or something after that) and we had some trubles because of it, he stay at friends houses when he said that he would be at his house at 10 and he finish party at 5 am, i talked to him and told him that i think he is on his way to being alcoholic (if he is not yet) and told him that i could not live with some one like that, i would not expose myself and my future to something like it, i felt kinda bad because i like to drink to but not to loose myself or my mind while doing it and not often at all(once a month).
Now he have changed a lot, he calls me when he goes out or ask me to please call him at some time to remember to go back home or something like it and he goes out now only one day on weekends and try to control himself, i know he is trying but now instead of drinking out with friend, he is drinking at home alone!, and not a relaxin drink or two but a lot (half a bottle).
We had some trubles in the past becuase of his drinking (not big ones, but trubles like, we had a date and the hangover is too big) and sometimes he ask me for a couple dollars to go get a drink with his friends and i dont liked it, i never did gave him any.
I really love him, i understand that it is not ok, that if you drink you need to do it responsably and not too often, he is trying but i dont know what to do now what to say how to help.

please help me

Answer
Greetings to you, Cris.

You are being very wise, and I encourage you to go no farther in your relationship with this man until you are absolutely certain of his permanent recovery from alcoholism.

You have written:

>> I really love him, i understand that it is not ok, that if you drink you need to do it responsably and not too often

You are correct, and that is something he cannot do.  When an alcoholic drinks, alcohol takes over and drives him to drink more.  Here is what a doctor has said in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book:

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“[Alcoholic men] and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol...  They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks - drinks which they see others taking with impunity (safely).”
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The doctor has just described the first part of alcoholism where people have become obsessed with getting more of the effect they receive from drinking alcohol.  Even when they are sober and might seem to be happy and doing well, they are still thinking about when or how they can again get a drink ... and they believe they should be able to do that as safely as you or anyone else.

The doctor next describes the second part of alcoholism:

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“After they have succumbed to the desire [and have taken even just one or two drinks] again, the phenomenon of craving develops and they [lose all control and] pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again.  This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.” (from “The Doctor’s Opinion” in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book)
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In some simpler words from long ago, here is a perfect description of chronic alcoholism:

“First the man takes a drink (because of a mental obsession),
“Then the drink takes a drink (because of a physical allergy),
“Then drink takes the man (into permanent insanity or death).”

You have written:

>> he is trying but i dont know what to do now what to say how to help.

You have already made a good beginning by telling him you believe he might be alcoholic, but now do not say that any more.  His alcoholism is not his fault, and he will stop listening altogether if you complain about it and nag at him.

Next, do not *ever* be with him or even near him when he is drinking, and do not nag or complain if that means you are almost never with him or near him.  Let him drink without any interference from you.

If you can, get a copy of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, and begin reading the chapter “To Wives”.  That chapter will help you understand more about what is going on and how to try to be helpful.  If you cannot obtain your own copy of that book, maybe you can read it online:
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

Chapters Two and Three in that book will help you learn more about alcoholism and the A.A. approach to permanent recovery, and I will gladly answer questions for you.  Overall, the idea here is for you to learn about why he drinks and why he drinks so much, and to then try to help him begin to see his illness clearly.

There is no guarantee your efforts will be successful, but you sound like the kind of person who would at least like to try.  So, read and ask questions and learn, but keep a safe distance between you until you are very sure it is safe to again get closer.

You are always welcomed to write,

Joseph Lee O.
leejosepho@hotmail.com