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Addiction to Alcohol/alcoholism
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Hello.. I'm really hoping to get some guidance here..
My boyfriend (he's 32) and I have been together for a little over a year. We impulsively (and perhaps foolishly) moved in together after 6 months of dating. In the beginning I certainly noticed that he drank a bit, so did I.. I sort of chalked it up to us dating, having fun.. in hindsight I was already probably making excuses. Before moving in I did ask if he drank everyday and if he felt like he drank too much. He assured me it wasn't daily, but said it was at least a few times a week. He told me that in the past he was confronted by friends when he was drinking hard alcohol (he doesn't anymore) and that 2 years ago, he got his first (and only) dui.
I took the chance, and moved in with him. It didn't take long to realize that he drinks everyday. I also noticed that on his days off, if he's up by 9 AM.. he would start drinking by 11 or noon.. always armed with the excuse that it was the weekend. Some days he only has a few beers, but some nights it can be close to 10, or several glasses of wine. I'd say he averages about a drink an hour and by the end of the week there are many empty bottles in our kitchen. Feeling increasingly uncomfortable with his drinking, I scaled mine back almost completely and after a couple months, finally said something. He was very defensive at first, said everyone in his family drinks everyday, and that he doesn't consider himself an alcoholic at all. He talked about how he works hard, pays his bills, never misses work, etc. Eventually he came around and agreed maybe it was a bit much. He stopped for 2 days completely, but things are back to how they were before.
He is highly functioning, it's true. However it does affect me in that it creates anxiety- I'm worried about his health.. and it's maybe also something that contributes to his lack of sex drive and lack of desire to go anywhere, be social.. both issues which obviously affect me greatly. It's also a turn off- he gets this sickly sweet alcohol smell coming from his pores (it's very strong), his eyes get bloodshot, etc. He never gets mean or fall down drunk or abusive. But he does get drunk a couple times a week, at least, and he has been emotionally abusive in arguments in the past. We are definitely having some issues in general that may or may not be related to his drinking, it's hard to tell.
The biggest issues are the sexual incompatibility (also he has premature ejaculation now), the lack of social activity, the moodiness and sometimes rude behavior he exhibits, and in the past he hasn't been as emotionally supportive as I'd like.
This is tough, because I'm already finding myself with one foot out the door in this situation. I do love him, care deeply for him, and we had great potential at one point. I'm not sure if this is worth salvaging, or even able to at this point. I would be willing to rough it out with him if things changed- preferably the drinking.. and maybe the other inadequacies in our relationship would become a thing of the past?
Greetings to you, Lara.
You have written:
>> This is tough, because I'm already finding myself with one foot out the door in this situation.
Only you can be true to yourself and bring your other foot on out, but that is my advice. This boy-friend you have mentioned might only be a potential alcoholic, but why live with a daily-heavy-drinker at all?
>> I do love him, care deeply for him ...
Are you willing to give all you have on the mere hope you might ultimately be given a full return?
>> I would be willing to rough it out with him if things changed ...
Please consider a few Al-Anon meetings. I could be wrong, but I suspect you do not realize what “rough it out” could really be like ... and of course, there is presently no reason to believe the man in question might ever share your desire for what is essentially an alcohol-free life.
>> ... and maybe the other inadequacies in our relationship would become a thing of the past?
Much can change after permanent recovery from chronic alcoholism has taken place, but first the drinker must have an actual desire to stop.
Please know you are always welcomed to write.
Joseph Lee O.
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Answers by Expert:
Joseph Lee O.
Expertise
Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.
Experience
The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken.
Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along.
At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ...
... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.
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