Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 9/14/2009

Question

hi, i have been with my boyfriend for four years.

he has always liked a drink and it has always caused trouble as i don't drink at all... i realize i need to accept him for who he is but its destroying me now.
when drunk its like i don't exist all he cares about is his friends and getting even more drunk!
we have split up about 4 times over the years due to his drinking habits and disappearing acts however he is living in my house now with my mum, dad, younger brother and sister and last night after i worked all day (7.30-6.30) he proceeds to tell me he is staying out longer which by this point he was already so drunk he hardly knew who i was.
he had fallen off his bike and had cuts all over him.
he stayed in his sisters as i wouldn't bring him in to my home like that.
i am 23 and wanting to grow up i have a good job am in college to become a make up artist i have babysitting jobs... anything to get money and he has been laid off due to lack of business however he cant be arsed to look else where!!!
am so upset and confused i am crying 70 % of my life!
above all his stubbornness and dis respect i am so in love with him... maybe its coz i don't want to be alone... i dunno but i just cant seem to bring myself to end it!.... i deserve better.
i just need some kind words and advise.
pls help me!
estelle

Answer
Hi Estelle,
I am sorry for the delay in answering you. Self-centeredness. negative personality change, damage to relationships, adverse impact on employment, are all significant signs of alcoholism. You have good instincts. I like that you say that you deserve better in a relationship. Indeed you do! An alcoholic by definition cannot fulfill his role in a healthy relationship. Though it is hard to swallow, I suggest to you that it can be possible to love an individual and still make a healthy decision that that person may not be the one to bind yourself to in a committed relationship. I suggest that you consider an ultimatum of sorts, stating that you cannot commit to a relationship with an actively drinking alcoholic, and that unless he stops drinking altogether and is in an active recovery program, including, hopefully, at least regular (perhaps daily for the first six months or so) attendance of AA, you will cut off the relationship. Now, I know how difficult it would be to take such a stand and mean it, and, therefore, recommend you consider attending Al-Anon (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/) for support and information on how to take care of yourself and not enable your boyfriend's alcoholism. Check out my site listed below for more information and professional help. Good luck.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com