Expert: Beverley Glazer - 9/18/2009

Question
Hi
Please advise me if possible
To cut a long story short my hubby of 10 years who is an alcoholic was off drink 5 months. In the flick of a switch the mood changed and 4 days later drink was again produced. Although has not been drunk (3 nights, 2 cans each night) the mood is back to withdrawal, irritable, generally foul and down.
I was the “nagging” wife in his eyes when in reality I was an enabler. I cried, pleaded, begged, talked sense etc, etc, - but I have decided no more.
I am trying to detach from the drinking for my own mental health. I love him and we have 3 young children who love him but I have to let go of something I have no control over. I have to control myself and how I let things affect me – ALL very much easier said than done.
But I am confused as to what to do about these scenarios:
1.   He tries to wind me up, get at me, get a reaction, push my buttons by being ratty with kids – they “seem” to let it run off them like water of a ducks back – do I tell him not to speak to them like that? Is that still enabling? Or do I say nothing (detach)?
2.   I always (maybe I only thought) “hid” their drunken father from them. They are 8/6/4 – Is it ok to explain alcoholism to young children? If he was lying drunk in front of them, which I never allowed, should I let them see?
He has admitted he has a problem, he has admitted he may have depression, and somewhere that coupled with my new approach (looking after me) gives me hope for him seeking help. But regardless I have to change for me and kids and I hope you understand why I am asking above. I know it will be your opinion but I really want my children to have a strong mother who did or tried to do right thing regardless of their father. I would value your opinion
Thanks
Maggie  

Answer
Hi Maggie:

This letter was answered Sept. 18 but it still remains in the question pool.
I think that there's something wrong with the system and I reported it, but in case you didn't get the reply the first time, this is what I wrote::

It's a good thing that your taking care of yourself and you're aware of not enabling your husband. He will want to be enabled, and will be quite nasty if he doesn't get his way. An alcoholic can be very irritable and sets you and the kids up for a fight. This releases his stress momentarily, and his anger fuels his drinking.

Your children who are six and eight are old enough to know that something is the matter with him.

When he is angry at the kids, don't argue with him. Just step in, take them away to another room, and tell them that his temper is not their fault. They should know that dad has a problem and he has very little patience. If they see him passed out on the sofa, you can also tell them that dad has had too much to drink. The little one can understand that your husband is not feeling well -
and he's not. You should also demand that your husband gets help. Here are the options for an alcoholic:

Http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/treatment-available.html

It would also be helpful if you went to Al-Anon meetings. These are for families  with an alcoholic member, and they will not only be a support when you need it most, but you will get ideas on how to handle him.

Thank you for asking AllExperts,
I hope this information is helpful,
Lots of luck,

Beverly Glazer
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com