Expert: Clyde - 9/18/2009

Question
Hi
Please advise me if possible
To cut a long story short my hubby of 10 years who is an alcoholic was off drink 5 months. In the flick of a switch the mood changed and 4 days later drink was again produced. Although has not been drunk (3 nights, 2 cans each night) the mood is back to withdrawal, irritable, generally foul and down.
I was the “nagging” wife in his eyes when in reality I was an enabler. I cried, pleaded, begged, talked sense etc, etc, - but I have decided no more.
I am trying to detach from the drinking for my own mental health. I love him and we have 3 young children who love him but I have to let go of something I have no control over. I have to control myself and how I let things affect me – ALL very much easier said than done.
But I am confused as to what to do about these scenarios:
1.   He tries to wind me up, get at me, get a reaction, push my buttons by being ratty with kids – they “seem” to let it run off them like water of a ducks back – do I tell him not to speak to them like that? Is that still enabling? Or do I say nothing (detach)?
2.   I always (maybe I only thought) “hid” their drunken father from them. They are 8/6/4 – Is it ok to explain alcoholism to young children? If he was lying drunk in front of them, which I never allowed, should I let them see?
He has admitted he has a problem, he has admitted he may have depression, and somewhere that coupled with my new approach (looking after me) gives me hope for him seeking help. But regardless I have to change for me and kids and I hope you understand why I am asking above. I know it will be your opinion but I really want my children to have a strong mother who did or tried to do right thing regardless of their father. I would value your opinion
Thanks
Maggie  

Answer
Maggie,
   Thank you for your questions.  I know it is not easy to detach from the bad behavior he is exhibiting but you are on the right track.  The mood swings and the return to alcohol is pretty typical of untreated alcoholism.  The untreated person does not know any other way to cope with life's difficulties and the drunkenness affords them some release form the cares and worries.

   The oblivion, of course, only lasts a little while and then when sobriety returns the problems are still there, sometimes larger and with new problems added on.  It is a vicious cycle.

   He is trying to have the "predictability" by pushing your buttons. He has learned how to manipulate and get the desired response from you so the new person he is seeing in your changed attitude and resolve is breaking that predictability.  You have to simply remain strong and resolved not to enter the same old fray as before.  He will be confused as well.  It may take some time but he may just begin to question his methods and think seriously about changing himself.  Only time will tell.

   I would suggest that the children already know there is something amiss in his life - the drinking.  It is not a bad idea to discuss with them the affects of alcohol and alcoholism.  It would be wrong and an improper discussion to belittle him in their eyes and mind.  He is not a bad person - he is a sick person doing bad behavior.  It will be difficult perhaps to distinguish this but try to understand that he is their dad and to destroy their love and care for him would not be right.  As you help them understand it may just be the ticket to getting through to him that he needs to change.

   Keep esteeming yourself and don't give into the lies of alcohol. If you are a praying woman, then lift up prayers for yourself, your children and especially for your husband.

    I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde