Expert: Clyde - 9/12/2009

Question
I am currently dating a guy of 23 for over a year now. We have talked about getting married but the longer we r together, the more "bad" things I see. He is a very hot headed person naturally but is very good at controlling it. When we started dating, it was only a few drinks here and there. Now it has become a beer or two a night. He likes to smoke cigars and drink either scotch or brandy, which has never been a problem until last weekend. On Sat night he drank a good amount of brandy and then just got REALLY hateful! He threatened to leave me at the club that we were at with no way home. In the car, he was screaming and yelling. About 20 mins later he was fine! The next morning it was all hugs, kisses and apologies! Last night was even worse...he was drinking whiskey & brandy. He started "feeling" me..when I told him to quit, he got upset. He took a shower, I went in there to wash my face and all I got was screaming and cussing. I grew up with alcoholics so I know that there is nothing I can say that would help, so I just went to bed. He got so mad, he left the house and when he returned he threatened to kick me out. Again with the screaming and cussing. I am at a complete loss! I have scratches on my neck and breast where he was feeling on me last night. I can handle someone being belligerent but not degrading or rude. He gets up this morning in tears! That breaks my heart in two but it is breaking me down. He doesn't see he has a problem. He went to school to be a youth & music minister and got 95 there and started down this path! He says that he still wants to do it but that it would involve serious life changes that he just doesn't know if he is ready to do! I have tried to pull him back to church but there is always an excuse. His entire family is greatly involved in church and for years now he is the "black sheep." I think that might fuel the drinking? We use to go to church with his entire family every Sunday but since we have moved 2 hrs away, it is not so easy. Ever since we stopped, it has gotten worse...the drinking, the meanness, the temper...all of it. His family has no idea but they know something is up. The worse part, they are beginning to think I am doing this to him...little do they know, I am staying with family as of this morning until I know what to do. I could use some advice and I chose you because u r a pastor and thought that maybe Christ could help. Maybe there is something I could do/say that will help encourage him to follow what he really wants to do. I am sorry that I wrote so much:) Thank you for your time and any advice that you may be able to offer. Zhara

Answer
Zhara,
   Thank you for your message and the questions.  I feel for you in this abusive relationship (and that is exactly what it is, no sugar coating it here) and I have deep concern and prayerfulness for your boyfriend.  He is a very sick person.  But we all have some sickness so I do not see him as a bad person - he is just a sick person and is afraid to make the changes he will need to make in order to grow up.  He is a little boy inside, something got hurt in his younger years and he is not aware of how it is disintegrating his life.

   If he has been studying in a well-balanced curriculum for his ministry he will eventually have to come to grips with this stuff if he ever expects to be a good effective pastor.  If he does not, he will be one of those abusive pastors who are hurting kids and women.  It is best that he not pursue the ministry until he does realize that there are life changes that must be made in order to move ahead.

   The fact that he has already physically abused you is troublesome.  You should not move back in with him if you were living with him and you should not be alone with him either.  My suggestion is that you break the relationship off now.  You may love this guy but until he addresses the issues in his life he is going to sink deeper and deeper into alcoholism.  It is a progressive disease and it kills - sometimes loved ones get killed before the sick alcoholic dies themselves.  Hie grabbing you is abuse and his leaving physical evidence is a crime.  You have rights as a person and no one, absolutely no one, has the rights to violate your physical space unwelcome.  Period.

   Grieve the love relationship you thought this one might be.  Get the book by Colgove's, "How to Survive the Loss of a Love." It will help as you move into freedom.

   If you wish to help him, let him know that you will not reenter the relationship until he shows some proof that he takes his life changes seriously.  I suggest this as a first condition of this proof:
1.) Get to Alcoholics Anonymous and attend 90 meetings in 90 days.
2.) Get a sponsor and work the 12-steps of AA.
3.) Read the Big Book of AA.
4.) Be sober and clean (no drugs) for a minimum of six months.
5.) Maintain a relationship with a sponsor who works the program as well.

   If he is serious and he really values you for who you are, then this will be something he will be willing to do to get you back.  My guess is that he will not do any of these things right now.  He is not sufficiently beat down to make an attempt and he is only seeing the world (including you) as out to get him.  If the family is alcoholic then they will turn against you, as you are seeing already.

    He is in for one wild ride through life the way he is going and I do not think you want to go along for the ride.

   I hope this helps and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde