Expert: Clyde - 9/17/2009

Question
So much...will try to be quick and clear...
*I fell in love at 27 with who i thought was the man i was going to marry. I felt a deep, connection, and i believed it to be mutual...loved his sensitivity, his warmth, etc..
*few mths later discovered was a cocaine addict, had been for 5 yrs; thought he only used when binging/when he slurred on phone/took off...a yr later he admittd it had been every day...
...after 3 yrs of much trying - pleading, nagging, 1 mth treatmnetand relapse (2X), i left.
*But I still loved him, and for a year after that I spoke to him and saw him every few months and that is when i would ask him to get help. He eventually found another female, an addict and i heard they were freebasing...I called him 2 months after he was with her and let him know my dog died, unaware he was living/with her;he showed up at my house with her and this girl yelled at me (i didn't even know her) and I asked her to leave then she beat me up and he stood and watched. My neighbours saw, called cops. I was diagnosed with post traum. stress dis. after that - it 4ever left an indelible mark on me that i can't explain. I still to this day can't understand how he did that to me. Who was he? did i ever know him? did he use me?
*he was with her for a year after that, & i was trying to piece my life together while in pain - got a new condo, took pride out of my job as a teacher - i tried - then i (like in the past) felt that energy again, his energy (somthing was wrong) called him and he came out of jail 4 assaulting her - admitted to me they used daily, that they were over. So i decided to meet him 4 coffee only to set him up with an inteventionist/recovering addict at the coffee shop, and then I walked out - He changed his cell number the very next day.  THAT was in december.
*It is now sept.  10 mths later. something in me told me that he was doing better, just a hunch. I finally called him this week after not talking to him for 10 mths and asked him to go 4 coffee and he said he was busy, that he was working...he sounded different...or is it just me? Something tells me that he is doing better - i could be wrong. I am just taking it so personally that he doesn't want to talk to me, that he thought i was nuts when i asked him to meet for coffee (why did i? cuz i know when i see him, i will know right away if he is clean - i know him) I KNOW I AM BEING UNHEALTHY, THAT I AM CAUGHT IN A GRIEF CYCLE, UNABLE TO LET GO COMPLETELY - I AM JUST AM TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHY HE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME OR SEE ME (and i am embaressed 4 having called, 4 looking desperate)I AM TRYING TO UNDERSTAND IF IT IS BCZ HE IS STILL USING OR BCZ TRYING TO GET CLEAN AND I AM A BAD REMINDER OR BCZ HE'S (WITH A NEW GIRL AND) HAS SIMPLY MOVED ON.
I am asking you for some clarity, some truth ... about him/his behaviour because i still feel (after all this time) caught in a sticky web i can't get out of...how can i accept, surrender, move on because i know in some perverse level i haven't let go of him...deborah

Answer
Deborah,
    Thank you for your story and for your questions.  They are informative of your present dilemma.

    Let me offer some perspective on the note you sent.  It is telling that you say things such as "I know I am being unhealthy..."  A better and more appropriate way of saying this is "I know that IT is unhealthy that I do or think or feel so and so...".  This may not register with you but over time you will come to see what I mean.  We self-deprecate ourselves by thinking negatively about the "me", the "I", "who I am" as a person, etc.  This is generally the crux of the whole issue in dilemmas and crises of the psyche.  We are not wrong - our actions and thoughts may be less than the best but the "I" is OK.

    I share that upfront with you because I believe it may be the reason you are not able to move on through the grief process and let this relationship die.  I do not say "let it go" - I say die.  It is not good in the present form for it only provides hurt and pain and doubt and grief for you.  If it is allowed to die then God can (and may) resurrect it to the relationship it could be and might ought to be anyway.  Our humanness wants to fix it now and have all thing smooth and beautiful.

    You focus much attention on his behavior but is it his behavior that needs some tending or your own?  This is the central question we hit upon as we begin to pull out of dilemmas and crises.  What is the soulful issue in my own life that this situation touches?  Why am I so caught in this web of sickness found in someone else's behavior?  What can I do to understand more about my own "I' and be free from the ego's attempt to protect me from the truth?

    You have stated that you want clarity and truth.  I can say from experience that it is not in this fellow's actions or inaction - his calling or his not calling - it is within the soul of the one caught up in the "other."  Think about this few a few days.  If you are a praying person who has a Higher Power, I would suggest that you spend some time in quiet meditation and see what direction the Spirit may take you.  You are on to some rich and numinous (mysterious) material that can and will propel you into another dimension once you understand all this is not about him but more about you.

  I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde