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Addiction to Alcohol/ultimatum for alcoholic mother

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Expert: - 9/22/2009


Question
My mother has been drinking for most of her life and now that i'm old enough to realize, I feel for her life. My father is sticking by her (in my eyes enabling her) and i keep trying to convince him its time to give up.  I've tried talking to her about her problem, but she tells me that im only 19 so I don't know what i'm talking about and I don't know what she's been through.  i  try to tell her that she needs to explain it to me and that this is no way to help her problems. I may be young, but she doesn't realize how much I have to be HER mother.  i moved out when I was 18 so I wouldn't have to deal with her problems, but I left my dad behind to deal with her. My mom is active in our community so our problems within the family are private so it doesn't affect her reputation. I'm at the point where im ready to tell her how I feel and that if she doesnt want to try to stop drinking, then i'm going to cut her out of my life completely because I can't stand to watch her do this to herself or to my dad.  I wanted to see if you had any advice on what to say.

Answer

Beverley Glazer MA. IC
Hi Benea,

It's amazing how fast  chidren grow up when they live in a household with an alcoholic!!

Don't feel guilty about leaving your dad with this problem. It's his choice to stay or stand up to her and demand that she gets help. You can't do anything about this and all the logic in the world will still keep the status quo.

----same with Mom. You're very angry with her, but she won't stop or get help unless Dad joins forces with you. Right now, that's not happening. Tell her you love her, but unless she gets help, you're keeping your distance.

It might be helpful for you to write her a letter telling her how angry you are, but remember the letter won't change her either --but at least you'll get it out.

As a child of an alcoholic, this information may help you:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/alcoholic-family.html

You can also recommend to your dad to go to Al-Anon meetings and if you like you can accompany him, but then again, he may want to keep denying how serious Mom's drinking is, and not want to go.

The important thing for you is not to put so much energy into fixing this problem, and create a full and positive life, in spite of this dysfunctional family.

I hope this information is helpful
Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

Beverley Glazer

Expertise

I can answer questions on all addictive behaviors: alcohol, drugs, food, compulsive sex, codependency, gambling, compulsive shoplifting etc.

Experience

I have over 20 years experience working in the addiction field. My experience extends to all levels of substance abuse. I've worked in rehabs and detox centers, prisons and half-way houses and have a busy private practice as well as an active website where I can be reached for recovery coaching and consultation. I am a cognitive behavioral therapist, but 12-step programs are an excellent support. When working in the addiction field, there is no cookie-cutter solution. In the recovery field, you witness miracles. That's why I love what I do.

Organizations
NAADAC The Association for Addiction Professionals, CACCF Canadian Addiction Counselors Federation, CCA Canadian Counseling Association, For more information please see: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

Education/Credentials
BA Psychology, MA Counseling Psychology, ICADC International Alcohol and Drug Counselor, ICAC International Clinical Addiction Counselor, CGC Certified Gambling Counselor.

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