Addiction to Alcohol/Family and recovery

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Expert: - 1/4/2010


Question
I have been alcohol free for 290 days. Never thoughtI could. My husband and 2 children are very supportive and encouraging.  They have been with me every step of the way. (Thank you God!) Per advice, from my treatment center I have stayed away from events where alcohol was to be served. (advised at least 1 year) The only exception to this rule is family gatherings.  I was okay until Thanksgiving. At that occasion I realized the pain I was still in.(on who I had become).  My husband,in love, asked his family if we could make our Christmas eve get together alcohol free. They said they would have to think about it.  We have gotten together with our kids for 20 years on this day. A family tradition.  They answer came back NO.  I thought I had a close relationship with them all, and that they would understand.  My husband and children are very upset by the lack of compassion and support. It has been and would have been the only time this request was asked of them.  It has turned into a sad hurtful event. It was said this was my problem.  I agree, but the way in which it has turned out is very painful.  We checked with our counselor and he said it would be okay to ask and that my husband should since it was his family.  We did this as suggested. I am afraid this has caused a big riff between us all. Please if you have any suggestions or thoughts I would appreciate it.  Thank you, Amy

Answer
Hello to you--

I appreciate your question - you remind me of me when I was newly sober.

Rather than being upset at you not getting the answer you wanted, I suggest that you might focus on how you were able to ask and that you received an honest answer. The number of people who are sober versus the number of people who drink is relatively small.

Short response to you sweetie's family: I am sorry if my request made you uncomfortable.

When most newly sober people make amends they make a mistake in talking about how bad they feel. The best way to make amends is to think about how your behavior might have caused harm and ask two questions: what do you need from me, what do you need to hear from me.....then remain quiet and do what is asked, etc. When we talk about how bad we feel when we're making amends we essentially project all of our stuff on the person who is receiving the amend. Make sense?

Expectations are a mother, especially when you are newly sober. I sense it is important to remember that perhaps their response could have nothing to do with you. Perhaps by allowing you not to drink they are reminded that they have a problem with alcohol.

Many years ago I asked a mentor of mine to critique my resume...her response wasn't flattering and while the changes were minimal, it hurt my feelings....I was finally given feedback that I asked,,,,,,,my mentor trusted me enough to tell me the truth....

a few things to remember:

life is what happens after you make plans
sobriety is a skill
people drink to change the way they feel
recovery looks different for everybody.


You are newly sober..unfortunately, you need to earn the right to ask for what you want in terms of an alcohol free gathering. People don't know you as a sober person for that long...you don't really know if your behavior caused any hard feelings on your sweeties family or if your request made them feel put out yet again.... it's really important to take what is said at face value.


You're sober today..one of the hardest things you will ever do...

Be proud...you must be doing something right.....not everyone gets to reach 290 days of sobriety....
I don't have a 12-step approach but I have come to understand that one of the promises is about being able to talk about how you feel...looks like this has come true for you.


You are always welcome to write back and let me know how it works out.

I wish you much love and luck for 2010

Todd  

Addiction to Alcohol

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Todd

Expertise

I sense it's important to let you know (upfront) that I don't have a 12-step orientation. I also want to let you know that this system won't allow us to make paragraphs, so I am using ** to separate my thoughts into paragraphs I can answer questions related to getting/staying sober, queries related to support for loved ones, questions on support groups, relapse prevention, communication skills, alcohol and drug pharmacology, spirituality, and finding ways to increase joy within sobriety. I see sobriety as a skill, understand that recovery looks different for everybody, and encourage people to find a sobriety mentor. **It has been my experience that in 12-step groups many people are seen to fail under the guise of a lack of willingness. When I used to attend meetings I'd see many people who were shamed and bullied over various medications they needed to take...telling people they can't take various medications is akin to playing God. I have yet to understand how taking MH meds is any different than taking any other medication which you need to thrive and support your health. **As there is so much shame, stigma, myths, and misinformation in this culture around CD (many of my clients will tell you that it is easier to be mentally ill than it is to have any sort of chemical dependency issue - in some way people are seen to be able to control their alcohol/drug using behaviors..not so with mental illness) folks first need to come to a place where they move beyond the stigma they internalize. **There is a term in social psychology called 'introjection'.....that is, when this culture views something in a certain way, we take on the facets of that stereotype...think about CD or folks who are gay/lesbian...this culture views these things in a negative way...we internalize this and feel poorly as a result.....as a mentor said, our culture fails gravely at being humane

Experience

I've been working in the field of addictions for nearly 27 years, within the inpatient and outpatient setting, as well as working in the Department of Corrections, the Director of Counseling for a large chemical dependency hospital, to where I'm currently employed doing in-home mental health and chemical dependency engagement with (mostly) seniors. I also have a contract gig running the entire CD program for a long-term transitional program to support people to overcome homelessness. As I've been doing this work for many years I am currently teaching a college class: intro to chemical dependency. It's been neat to see my students 'get it' and understand that they can have a huge impact on people and how they navigate their recovery. I've been sober for over 29 years and have a sense of what is required to maintain long-term sobriety and abstinence, and engage lasting change. **I am a huge fan of various anti-craving medications. In some recovery circles this is taboo, however, it's been my experience that there is no reward for suffering. **I also understand that as recovery looks different for everybody, perhaps someone's program could be riding a bike, spending time with family, doing yoga, swimming, writing in a journal, spending time with friends, therapy, playing with a pet, reading spiritual literature, etc....it seems to me that many paths have merit.

Organizations
National/state organizations relative to chemical dependency and addictive disorders.

Publications
http://www.askanaddictioncounselor.com

Education/Credentials
Degree/certification as a chemical dependency counselor, and state certification as an addiction professional.I'm working towards further graduate studies in clinical psychopharmacology.

Awards and Honors
Last year I was invited to do a five-hour presentation on various facets of addictive disorders as a very large behavioral health hospital. I was somewhat resistant as I was a bit nervous to speak in front of 2000 people. I had no idea my approach would be so welcome. I sense that it's hard to remember how much we know.

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