Expert: Beverley Glazer - 1/14/2010

Question
I am happily married with 2 wonderful children ages 4 and 1.  My wife's biological father has been an alcoholic for over 30 years.  He divorced my wife's mother 15 years ago and has been married 5 more times since.  He has 6 kids(3 with my wife's mother and 3 with wife #2)  He lost a child to a rare heart condition about 5 years ago and thats when things really took a tumble.  My wife and I's families live in Arizona and her biological father now lives in Texas with wife #5.  We kept hearing stories of him getting drunk and getting in trouble with the law.  Meanwhile, my wife has never really dealt with her father's illness and has an amazing step-father that treats her like gold.

Long story short, he was recently admitted into the hospital with a blood alcohol level of .585!  By all means, he should be dead.  The only reason he is alive is because he pinned himself in between a door and passed out sitting up rather than lying down.  Anyway, his parents live in the same town and now refuse to take him back.  His wife feels the same way and will not take him either.  The hospital released him and has absolutely nothing to his name.  As my wife got wind that he almost died, she now feels she needs to "save" him from this illness.  Since she has never dealt with the issue initially, I am extremely worried of the aftermath of her intervention.

Since no one will take him in in Texas,  my wife has volunteered to fly him back to Arizona to try and get him well.  She is planning on getting him in a half way house and taking him personally to AA meetings.   I have agreed to help her but told her one VERY important thing: He gets drunk ONE time and he is out of ours lives forever.  I do not want this in front of my children.  I've read in prior entries that my wife should go to Alanon meetings to cope with this issue.  Do you agree?  My wife feels she never made a true effort to help her father and I can't disagree with her and that is why I am supporting her decision to make this last ditch effort.

Am I doing the right thing in allowing my wife to bring her dad back into her life?

Odds are that he will relapse.  What happens then?  I will refuse to take him into our home.  My wife says she agrees with the "One strike and your out" rule, but I feel like that won't hold up once he relapses.

He is on his way here in a couple of days and is staying with my brother-in-law until we get him situated with a half way house.  What is the recommended living situation for an alcoholic?

He has been through every rehabilitation program out there and he always relapses.  My wife and I don't have thousands of dollars to spend on a fancy clinic.  Is AA our best bet?

Any advise on this situation would be wonderful!  Thank you for your time and attention.  

Answer
Hi Jason,

Your wife is filled with guilt and many other mixed feelings and that's why she wants to do her utmorst to help her dad.

The problem here is that only Dad can help himself, and it seems he doesn't want to. You can spend thousands of $$ on a rehab or go to the Salvation Army and the outcome can be the same. The alcoholic is the one who has to 'get it'.

One thing for sure -- your wife should not take him to meetings, or do anything else to 'help' him get better. This is called enabling and here's more information on the subject: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

Your wife must realize that she can't 'save' him -- but there are many other feelings that she has to work through as well. AlAnon can be helpful, but so can private counseling or talking to a recovery coach. ACOA (Adult Child of Alcoholics) groups can give her support as well.  All children of alcoholic/addicts share your wife's feelings. (There's ACOA info on the site)

Alcoholics can be very manipulative, so you're wife has to overcome her issues so that she can focus on you and the kids. I don't think a half-way house will prevent him from drinking, but your wife should give him the 'one strike rule'. The problem here is that the family has to follow through with it. A back-up plan has to be in place if you give him an ultimatum.

I hope this information is helpful

Thank you for asking AllExperts,

Best of luck!!

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com