Expert: Druideck - 10/8/2010

Question
Hi there,
I know a lot of people have this same dilemma, but i have a household consisting of myself, my 5 month old son, my wife, and my father-in-law. My father-in-law has a drinking problem, and is at this moment not employed. He feels he needs the alcohol to drive him, my wife and I have taken action and told him that if he continues he must leave. It had no impact on him. He continued to try and buy it behind my back, as i feel its more of a problem then my other half. Its not only a danger to our house-hold, but to our relationship and son as well. He is not physically abusive, but mentally. I watched my grandfather pass away from alcoholism and i cant bare to watch this happen any longer. My wife is stuck between a rock and a hard place, as he feels he can drink if he wants to, and hasn't done anything to try and help himself, and at the same time, i don't want myself, or my son exposed to that kind of thing. What should i do? Any input is much appreciated... Thank you for your time.

Answer
Scott,

I know it is difficult to be caught in the middle
of a problem with inlaws.

Any choice you make will not be an easy one.
There are a few things you can try to do
but the endings are not guaranteed unfortunately.

One is talking to a alcohol counsellor about
intervention to get your father-in-law to see
his problem and get help.
This has to be supervised carefully as
just confronting him on his own will lead
to resistance.
This mental blindness is called ¨denial¨
and is a defense mechanism the illness uses
to keep the person unaware so they will
continue to drink.

Alcoholism wants the person to drink so it
keeps them blind to the problems.

Another thing you can do is call Alcoholics Anonymous
and see if they can talk to him or get some
literature to leave around the house.
If you can plant the seed of awareness he may
start to see he has a drinking problem.

Another thing to consider is that many alcoholics
do not seek help as long as someone is helping
them to get along.
When faced with the harsh realities of themselves
and life they will sometimes hit an emotional bottom
that makes them accept help.
To clarify I mean do not do anything to assist
in making drinking possible or easy for him.
No money lending, no rides to the liquor store,
no cleaning up his personal problems at all.
The point is to make him personally responsible
for himself. He is an adult after all so expect
adult behaviour from him.

The final straw is when someone refuses all help
and continues to drink. At this point you must
make decisions to protect yourself from the illness.
You can set a time for him to either attend Alcoholics
Anonymous meetings regularly or move out.
If he agrees to attend AA then help him to do that.
If he plays games then ask him to leave.

On a side note, we cannot really change other people
for long. Sometimes we can only protect ourself
and then let go of trying to control what others do
or do not do. Sometimes we have to work on controlling
our own reactions to sick people.
This is difficult but can be done in less severe circumstances.
Alanon helps families to live with alcoholism but detach
from it while working on personal growth to enhance one´s
own life. You can also look into that.

There are some alcoholic self tests online
that you could encourage your father-in-law to
try. If he fails them give him a ride to an AA
meeting. This is where his real recovery would be
possible.
Luck always!
Druideck