Expert: Beverley Glazer - 10/28/2010

Question
I have been with my husband for 10 years we have a daughter together and he has helped me raise my other two children from a previous marriage and my children love him very much. He is a bit short tempered but a good person one that will give you his shirt off of his back. Despite all of that he has a problem with drinking. He says it is a life long battle but it has been in our lives for about 8 out of the 10 years. In the past he has bindged to the point were he is unable to remember anything, he is violent (although he has never hurt any of us) by violent I mean he sleep walks and starts hitting the wall and acting crazy. I have bailed him out of jail twice for DUI this is just an example of a big problem. He use to drink almost daily and he had a dry spell for about 8 months 2 years ago but once he lost his job it came right back. Right now it is a once a week thing but I have for the past year told him that I cannot continue like this, that although I love him I am very unhappy and my saddness is overwhelming. I also am having medical issues due to stress and even told him that he was my main cause of stress and I couldn't take this anymore. Despite all of my pleading, trying to get thearpy and threating of leaving him he continues. Is it worth staying with someone who loves you, your family, is good to you, not a cheater, he is providing and his biggest flaw the drinking? I am so unhappy but am I asking for too much? I know if he didn't drink things would be great as they are when he doesn't drink. I just do not know what to do, should I stay or should I go?


Answer
Hi Jenine,

On the one hand, your husband sounds like a really nice guy, but when he is drinking he gets out of control as well as violent. The problem with binge drinkers, is that they don't think that they have a problem until they binge, but then they stop -- and that fact keeps them in denial, because they always tell themselves that they can stop.

No one can answer the question of whether to stay with him or to go. You have to do what you feel is right. However you have to weigh the facts.

Although he doesn't cheat and loves you and your family, his drinking has caused him to land in jail and fortunately he didn't harm anyone. His drinking has taken a tole on your health and mental state and I can assure you that it affects the children. Yet, he refuses to get help.

By asking if you should stay or go, it's obvious that you are undecided and not ready to make a decision just yet. I suggest that you go to Al-Anon meetings to get more of an understanding of alcoholism and the costs vs. the benefits to living with an alcoholic. All the members are in similar situations and they'll understand

You are not asking too much of him, by demanding that he gets help. In a relationship, love is not enough. You and the children also need peace of mind.

I hope this information is helpful,
Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best in this difficult time,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com