Expert: Beverley Glazer - 10/19/2010

Question
I have an alcoholic sister who had been abusing pain meds for a number of years, who is now going to therapy and taking methadone as a replacement for the Oxycontin and countless other meds she was getting from "pain management" doctors and from street drug dealers. (she has many back issues, which started her addiction to pain meds.) She has an extremely disabled child, and two other young children. She is doing everything she can to hide her drinking. Even got a DUI but even then she denies it. I have heard bad things about mixing alcohol with methodone, and I am afraid she will die and leave her children motherless. I know I have no control over her behaviors as an addict. She swears up and down that her family is unsupportive and we don't recognize how "well" she is doing. She is constantly attacking family members, pointing fingers and is very very good with the guilt trips. She is a total victim and never takes responsibility for her actions. I see the dysfunction and I am tried of her lies. After her last verbal attack and blatant lies, I told her that I love her but I won't accept her disease and I can no longer be in contact with her. But now that I've cut off communication, I feel so guilty. I feel like there is something I should do for the kids.  I was the one who got her into therapy and "treatment," but I don't think the methadone is good for her and I feel like it's my fault she is just addicted to another substance. Is methadone bad for an alcoholic? Is there anything I can do for the kids? What can I do to stop feeling so guilty for "abandoning" her?

Answer
Hi Mary,

I agree that you have no control of her behavior, however by stopping communication with her you did the right thing.

Your sister is a manipulator (as all addicts are) and she'll do and say whatever it takes to get her way. You, as well as the family must not enable her. Here's more information on enabling:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

Once you see that you're doing the right thing (although it's hard to do) you'll relieve your guilt. Your sister is on the methadone program, but she's playing with fire. Alcohol and meth don't mix -- and she can die. But you also realize that she can die from the other drugs as well. A methadone program often has counseling, she should be attending.

Although you're not communicating with her, don't abandon the kids. You can offer baby sitting, give Xmas presents -- that type of thing. They need you more than ever.

Al-Anon meetings would also help strengthen you when you feel you've abandoned her.
You haven't abandoned her. You love her very much, but tell her that she needs help, and unless she gets it, that's the consequence.


I notice that this query has been sitting in the pool for quite some time. There must have been an error in the system, and I reported it.

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts,

Bev,
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com