Expert: Clyde - 10/21/2010

Question
I have only been married less than 2 yrs.  Worked with my husband though for 22 yrs.  Only knew him at work though.  I was single mom for 15 years prior.  I drink about every nite about a six pack.  Thought it okay my husband drank.  He really cut down evidentally while dating me, hid his drinking, thought we could get along.  I work, come home, get work done, drink my six pack while I'm getting housework and other things done, don't drink when other priorities come into place, like when my daughter was younger.  Schoolwork, band, 4-H, working, driving school.  I drink now and too but can switch it off like a light bulb when I feel it is time.  My husband showed me shortly after marriage his drinking was a bigger problem for him.  Lost his job of 22 years because failed breathalyzer....this was a monster failure for him.  Then he tormented me because I still work there.  I have been there longer than him.  I am 52 and he is 49.  His drinking became really bad.  First year of our marriage I have put up with hell. He drinks now from morning to night, found out he has been drinking since the age of 13.  I have started counting and he can drink 30 to 40 beers a day and spends about $100 to $150 a week on beer!  He has a job now because I helped him get it, practically forced him into getting it.  He hates it and states so because he misses his old job.  Took a huge pay cut from $25 an hour to $11.   He fights with me constantly, gets off work 3 hours before I do and is drunk by the time I get home.  He has become violent, I finally had him charged with domestic violence after busting my nose the 3rd time, and after many face slappings, being knocked down and the verbal abuse is unbelievable.  I cannot talk to him most of the time because he is too drunk to has a reasonable conversation with.  Why am I still with him?  He is going to court ordered counseling and I guess this is my last hope. I took him to doctor to try medication, this failed.  did work for a month...wow.  He quit taking his medication.  he lies about his drinking, still is drinking all day even with working.  Admitted once that he buys beer before going to work, drinks on his lunch time and starts drinking as soon as he gets off.  So he is pretty much drunk all day or at least buzzed.  I think my drinking is bad but I don't want to be out of control or drunk, just relaxed and forget my horrible arthritis pain.  We drink for different reasons.  I'm so sick of it all.  My life was basically good before him.  Financially, physicall and emotionally.  Hate to give up though because I really wanted a good companion and we do have some fun times but they are becoming fewer and fewer.  Is there any hope to save a relationship such as this or should I give up or are there ways for me to help him?  Am I a problem with my drinking?  I hate to give my drinking up too because of my pain and arthritis, I don't want to turn to prescription drugs to control my pains, I control it with a few beers.  We have real problems because I think in order for him to change he needs to quit drinking altogher, cutting down won't help, and then that means I need to quit and then what do I do for all my pain?  Go on prescriptions?  I don't want to do that, I am handling my pain fine.  I have rheumetoid arthritis and osetoarthritis.  Those pills they want to treat me with can cause so many other problems.  I am in a pickle.  why can't he just cut down!  Is there a chance for us to stay together or not.  I'm thinking not.  He even pulled a gun on me in the past when he was so drunk, the minute I walked in the door from work.  This is sad.  I am sad.  Probably no one could ever give us advice.  Sorry to bother anyone but if anyone has anything to offer I would like to hear it.  Thanks, Cheryl

Answer
Cheryl,
   Thank you for sharing your story and for all the detail of things that are happening now.

   First and foremost, you must not stay in the house with a man who abuses you in the ways he has done.  This is not good.  I suggest that you find a way to get away from the premises as soon as you can.  Do not let him know you are leaving until you have made the arrangements to have a place to stay.  Notify the police that the abuse is occurring.

   Your husband suffers from the disease of alcoholism and until he decides to do some serious fact finding on the disease there is little hope that he will change.  An alcoholic can not stop drinking on their own.  They need help to do it.  I suggest (once you are safe and away from the abusive situation) that you tell him he must call Alcoholics Anonymous and begin attending meetings before you will communicate with him.  He needs to do this in order to know he is dealing with a very serious illness in alcoholism.  If he will not then you should severe communication with him and put your life back together.  Your drinking is your issue - not his - and his drinking is his issue - not yours.  Your drinking beer is your decision.

   You can begin to sort all this out once you are separated and able to think clearly.

   I hope you will give these suggestions serious consideration.  All is not lost and there is tremendous hope once you start to pull yourself out of the active alcoholic behavior of your husband.  If you are a praying woman, begin to pray for God to lead you and direct you into safety and serenity while He shows you the next right step.

   Write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde