Expert: Druideck - 10/25/2010

Question
My wife is in her fist year of recovery.  I found out that she is have a relationship with her sponsor.  I don't know if I should expose the sponsor or should I just take care of this in private.  I just don't what this to happen again because this could destroy a family that has gone through a lot in the past year. What should happen to this sponsor?

Answer
Steve,

I am glad to hear you are willing to
sort this problem out in a mature way.

There are many forces at work in a
person that is early in their recovery.

She is giving up a substance she has
depended on for much time.

The result is very much emotional turmoil.
My suggestion would be for her to get
a woman sponsor. People are very
vulnerable in early sobriety and
many of the people that try to help
by sponsoring may be very ill themselves.
Her present sponsor took advantage of her
emotional vulnerbilities.
This is not good as it may lead
her to relapse due to the emotional
strain of dealing with all this.

She will need to find a trustworthy
and female sponsor. She has the
right to shop around and find someone
that is healthier and that can help
her in recovery.

She has to be willing to let go
of the bad sponsor for her own good.
This is up to her of course.

There is no reason to expose anyone
but feel free to work things out
as you can with your wife.

She is experiencing her own
lack of emotional growth as
well as trying to substitute this
bad relationship for her dependence
on alcohol.
It is common for people in recovery to
try to replace alcohol with another
obscession, drug or activity.

She needs to avoid these situations
if she wants to avoid relapse.
Relationships with new people can
be exciting in the short term but
will add nothing to finding a happy
and permanent sobriety in the long run.

Take care of your own feelings and
speak to this sponsor if you need to.
He has not done her a service by
initiating a unneeded relationship.
She needs friends and good advice
from steady AA members with some
years of solid sobriety.
Seek them out carefully.
Luck to you both.
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