Expert: Beverley Glazer - 10/21/2010

Question
My husband is currently in a drug rehab program - doing well.
How do I balance his need for treatment and his obligation to his family?  details below:

My husband is enrolled in a 6 month rehab program. He has the option to stay for another 6 to 9 months - after which he can move to a sobor living house. His mother is encouraging him to stay the extra 9 mo, and then to sobor living. (note: we have not discussed HIS intentions - but he desperately wants to please her )

I am very supportive of his treatment and also very proud of him.  However, I am having struggling to adapt her enthusiasim for the extended care, especially the sobar living house. I want what is best for him and I definately dont want to sabatosh his sobriety.  I know this sound terrible, but at what point does he begin to address his respsonsibilites outside of rehab - or do I just accept anything for the sake of his sobriety?  

My boss is temporarily allowing me to work from home, because I can no longer afford day care for our two children. I have pulled our oldest out of preschool, cut all unessesary expenses, and stopped paying all non-critcal debts.  Within months our saving will be depleted, and I will no longer be able to cover  just the basic mortage and utilities(not incuding food) . Because of the money he was making prior to treatment, I do not qualify for any assistance.  The rahab does not allow him to earn any income - incuding temporary disability until they go to the sobor living facility - and then they have to pay rent there.

Any advice, guidence, or feedback is truly appreciated :)  

Answer
Hi Kristie,

You're in a difficult position.

When a person is in treatment, the goal is to work with the individual, and reintegrate him/her into the community and give the tools to lead a sober life.

The fact that a sober living arrangement has been suggested, means that for your husband the best option would be to go with their suggestion. The goal here is to maintain sobriety.

Your mother-in-law is encouraging this, but she is looking only at his welfare.  You are stuck with all the financial and emotional responsibilities of the family and everyday life.

When someone leaves treatment they must integrate very slowly, so for your husband to jump into his financial obligations, may result in relapse -- and no one wants that to happen, so it's best that he listen to the professionals.

If you haven't already done so, discuss the financial problems and the additionional stresses that you're going through with his mother. Ask if she can help out, any way that she can. Don't be shy. Ask other family members if they can also assist you somehow as well. Right now the family is in crisis, and when things get back together, you can pay them back.

Al-Anon meetings may also help you. I'm sure others have been in your situation, and they may be able to give you ideas or point you to community resources that can also help you.

I hope this information is helpful, but I notice that your query has been in the question pool for awhile. There must have been a problem with the system, and I reported it.

Thank you for asking AllExperts

Best regards

Bev,
http://www.untwsit-your-thinking.com