Expert: Beverley Glazer - 10/8/2010

Question
So here it is. At 48 years of age met the woman of my dreams, literally. Six years, and lots of patience later, dated (1.5 yrs), became engaged (1.5 yrs) and have now been married just a few days over a year.  I've come to find out that she has a long hiden history of drinking, serious drinking.  Vodka, more than others, but what ever 'others' there are around.  Before work #7a.m.# sometimes, always after work, with every meal, every evening, and on weekends mornings, starting with coffee,...champagne/white wine is still booze and I'm tired of it.  She, in my opinion, has become hyper sensitive, castigating, hyper critical, and any manner of other things in the last couple of years. More and more. I now think these changes are due, if not in full certainly in part, to the alcohol shes never seems to be with out.

I'm sick of it, sick of walking on egg shells...a wonderful three day weekend vacation can go right down the toilet with 8 to 12 seconds of something she 'doesn't like'

Her health is cracking. She has an almost constant cough and congestion.  We can't go anywhere with out a 'glass of chard'...

What do I tell her and how...you know it's all 'my fault'....too much....

singed....had it up to 'here'  

Answer
Hi M,

It sounds to me like your wife has been progressively drinking, and now she's not  been able to hide it the way she did before. She has you 'walking on glass' because of it.

Being castigating, critical and demanding puts the focus on your behavior and this allows her to justify that you, not the alcohol is the problem.

There is no easy way to tell her that she has a drinking problem. You have to face up to her and say it. You must also stop enabling her, so she pays the consequences of her behavior. Here's more information on enabling:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

Stand up to her -- simply tell her that her drinking is the problem not you. But, be prepared for the backlash.

Do not buy her alcohol, give her lifts to get it, be 'understanding' when she can't function, call in sick for her, that type of thing. Consequences help an alcoholic /addict look the problem in the face, but there's no guarantee that she'll get help. This strategy simply helps break denial.

It would be helpful for you to go to 'Al-Anon to understand what others in your position have done. But instead of focussing on her, right now, you must do what you have to do to take care of yourself.

I hope this information is helpful, but I'm sorry that it's taken so long to get to your query.
There seems to be a problem with the system, and I reported it.  My pending questions weren't affected, so if you want a quicker response, feel free to address your query to me directly.

Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best,

Bev,
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com