Expert: Druideck - 10/14/2010

Question
I have only been married a year but living with my husband for the last 5 years we have 2 very young children... life was hell with him drinking during my first pregnancy then he gave up drinking for a year and all was great but after we got married he started to drink heavily again which lead to drugs and the narssistic controlling behaviour that went with it while I was heavily pregnant it was just hell 6 weeks before our baby was born he signed into a treatment centre did 5 weeks turned inside out of so I thought came home and relapsed while our baby was very young. I had to go to court to get him out of the house and he was barred for 12 weeks... While I was left to raise and do all the work with a very small baby and toddler he went off the rails altogether maybe it was his rock bottom and he signed himself into another centre where they did lots of tests and seemed to do a lot of councelling and getting to the root of his problems.. now he is doing well and comes to visit the kids but he's putting pressure on me to give him another chance... All the other times I would somehow manage to forget the past and be as positive as possible that things would be different...even now I am quite positive that he is doing so well and that this could be it but I am so scared that he'll do it again... and I am still so hurt and angry and cant get the bad stuff out of my head. How do I move on?  

Answer
Kerrie,

Things can get very complicated in relationships when
addiction is present. It is also much work to
adapt to the changes that happen in recovery.

What happens in most relationships is that
if the alcoholic/addict starts to grow personally
as he will need to in recovery then the
need the relationship was built on is dissolved.

This means unless the spouse also seeks personal
growth and change their success together may
be limited.

If he is able to continue his recovery without relapse
that is great but recovery is ongoinging and
is a lifetime process for him.

Your best recourse is don't rush into anything as
the first few years of recovery can be very
difficult and relationships add to that strain.

The best way to deal with the bad memories, fears
etc are to see his behaviour as that of a very ill
person. He and you were caught up in an addictive
illness which does respond to treatment if the
person cooperates with the demands of recovery.

This is a bit like having two people in your life.
One is the man you knew when he was sober
and the other is the sick one.
One is the real person trying to recover and
the other is the illness trying to pull him
back into the ill behaviour.
It was the sick person that hurt you in the past
and he may break free of that over time and
recover hopefully.

Also take responsibility
for your own behaviour and your choice to
be with this man in the past. By owning
what you did and not blaming him you can
take your power back.
Blame gives all the power
to others. Letting go of blame means you
recognize that you have power and can make
choices one way or another to better your life.

Often it is hard to detach from others
and let them be as they are.
We want to change them instead of our
own thoughts, behaviours and attitudes.
It is inside ourself where real change occurs.
It doesn't matter what others do ultimitely.

Make your choices and then say "I chose this
come what may". Take back the power you feel
you lost in this relationship in the past.

Take care!
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