Expert: Druideck - 11/7/2010

Question
I have an alcohol husband that was diagnosed, operated on and went thru chemo and radiation for head and neck cancer.  Now that he is cancer free he is drinking and wants a divorce.  I have been sober 1 year and 5 months and I still love him.  I have arranged to leave him and we are it agreement.  How could he walk away from 19 years together

Answer
Jamie,

Sometimes people change as recovery or no recovery
progresses. This causes them to grow apart.
Often the reasons for relationships developing
are not necessarily healthy reasons.

They can be based on familiar backgrounds
or even traumatic experiences in early life.
There can be many reasons for a person wanting
to leave a relationship. Some may be conscious
reasons and others may be unconscious motivations.

If your husband is drinking then he is not
entirely a healthy person in mental or
emotional ways.
Your sobriety allows you to grow emotionally
and he is stunting that growth in himself
by drinking.

Also take into account that the present moment is
where we live our lives. The previous years you
spent together are only in memory.
Those years are only a thought now and
in this present moment he has decided he has
other interests, desires or feels you have
less in common perhaps than you did 19 years ago.

People change and sometimes the best thing is to
let go and learn to cultivate the love within yourself.
This way, you will always feel love even without
having a certain person with you.

Take what you have received in that relationship
and use it to better your life and your future.
The most important relationship is the one
you have with yourself and life.

We cannot change others and if he needs to leave
for whatever reasons then acceptance is your
only path. This is a process of grieving,
letting go and accepting the present moment.
You may feel anger and sadness but in the end
things will get better. This too shall pass in time.

Look ahead to creating a happy life without
blaming or resentments. Take advantage of
the changes to find a new way of living
and possibly attracting new people into your life
to love.

Take care always!