Expert: Druideck - 11/21/2010

Question
I have been in a relationship with my partner for two and a half years, in the beginning we would party together and I would drink with him, when I changed my lifestyle I started to realize that he had a problem with alcohol and weed not going a day without and decided to end things but at the same time I found out I was pregnant, after long discussions and his promises to change we decided to have the baby and stay together.But throughout the pregnancy his partying got worse cocaine being in the mix too,and I couldn't cope with his lifestyle and angry outbursts after benders,so I kept ending it and getting back together because I so wanted to be a family as I already have two failed relationships and two children who are teenagers, I didn't want to be a single parent again. And so now after our son has been born I'm still doing the same thing breaking up and getting back together and he still drinks and smokes every day the same scenario, I love him and want us to work but I know deep down that he might not stop and I'm just accepting it until I cant live with it anymore. He has so many good qualities he works hard and is good at his job and is faithful and committed to me and is a very loving dad, i just don't know what to do , how to help him, can I stay with him and help him, we don't live together but when our older kids leave home we plan too. I feel like I'm burying my head in the sand enabling him to carry on, but I don't want to bail out, I feel I owe it to our son to make things work, but my older children are not happy atoll about me staying with him and are angry at me for going back to him. I just don't know what to do.  

Answer
Marie,

It sounds like you are being pulled two ways at once
in this relationship which is actually normal
for most people when addictions are involved.

I am not talking so much about his addictions
which are his problem but your own addiction
to him and his addictive behaviour.

There are always some good and bad to most
relationships. We often have to decide
if the good outweighs the bad overall.

When drug or alcohol abuse is involved the
bad usually wins out in the end.
The reason for this is that addiction
is a progressive illness which gets
worse over time. This is why things
eventually reach the crash zone at some
point unless the person(s) get help.

Treatment for the primary addict or
alcoholic involves recovery in Alcoholics
Anonymous meetings and/or time spent
in counselling and rehab centers.

Promises made by an addicted person
can not be kept as the illness always
wins out over the other plans and desires
made in the relationship.

Treatment for co-dependents or
co-alcoholics as you would be
classified involves personal growth
in Al-Anon meetings, counselling,
and other self help reading.

You do not necessarily have to leave or
break up to have recovery take place
but if your mate has no intension
of seeking help then his illness will
progress and worsen in time.

You can begin to recover from the urge
to be in a troubled relationship however.
You can start to look at your need
for being with someone that cannot
give you what you really want which is
ultimately security, love, and stability.

Your needs cannot be filled at one
half-empty well. You must find others
to help you with that. Al-Anon is a good
start and also Robin Norwood's books
on "Women who love too much"
These books will really hit home
if you take the time to read them
through slowly. I highly recommend
getting a copy online or at a bookstore.

You cannot change your boyfriend but
you can change your own thoughts,
attitudes and desires.
If he decides to change it might be from
watching you and your reactions to his
behaviours.

You can grow to either make or break
this relationship but any realtionship
will work better if you work toward
maturity and better emotional health for yourself.

You may find that what you really want
was always within you all this time.

Take care and remember to get that book. ;)
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