Expert: Beverley Glazer - 11/12/2010

Question
my fiance and i have been on and off for about 9 years now.its only gotten serious 4 years ago.he started living with me and i wasn't aware of his serious addiction to alcohol at the time.none of his family wanted around and called him a "problem".they told me "gina hes your problem now".i took him into my home,took care of him(he barely worked).he was sober for 11 months and since then been on and off drinking.since hes lived with me hes been hospitalized/detoxed over 4 times.ive stood by him each and every time and did the best i could for him.a month and a half ago he was on a serious drinking binge.after 2 weeks i convinced him to go into an intense inpatient rehab in Florida(were from NY).everything has been going wonderful.we talk everyday and were writing to each other as well.5 days ago out of no where he called and told me he can no longer be in a relationship with me and needs time and space to focus on himself.i understand that he needs to focus on himself.but i feel very very hurt that hes just thrown me away after i was there to support him through all of his bad times.we had been making plans for me to relocate to Florida and then he does this.i also have a 4 year old daughter(who is not his but she knows him better than she knows her own father).he has still been calling us telling us he loves us and that he wouldn't "abandon" us.he said he just needs time.i don't know what to do.im scared to give him said "space" because i don't want him to forget about me.i love him dearly and im starting to wonder if he truly does love me.ive been crying for 5 days straight and this pain will not subside.what can i do to show him that i support him getting better but i also do not want us to break up?ive started going to therapy myself because he said i need to focus on myself as well,and that ive been focusing on him too much.please help,i don't want to push him further away from me!i want him to realize what we have is special..

Answer
Hi Ginamarie,

When someone is in recovery, it is advisable that they focus on themselves, and as they become emotionally stronger, the can add additional pressures ex. job, family etc. But it doesn't mean that he's abandoning you. All it means is that your fiance understands that he must not rush things, and the process is slow.

He tells you that he won't abandon you and your child, and that he loves you. When he says you should focus on yourself, he means that you've spent so much time and energy taking care of his addiction, you've probably neglected yourself. This is a time for both of you to take care of yourselves.

I'm glad that you're going to therapy. When you reunite, you're entering a new relationship -- one without drugs -- and you have to reinvent a new life as well.

In the mean time, go to Al-anon meetings in your area. The members will give you information on the recovery process and they can support you at this difficult time.

Although the absence feels strange, you are not pushing your fiance away. You're simply allowing him to get stronger.

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com