Expert: Beverley Glazer - 11/26/2010

Question
QUESTION: I have been in a relationship with a guy for just over a year.  I met him four years previously when we had a brief liaison, but it went nowhere and I discovered later he was with a partner who had just become pregnant when we met.
About 15 months ago we began to date.  He was very romantic and attentive, we had a lovely time and I believed us both to be very much in love.  Within a short period of time I agreed I would move in with him, which required me to change my job and relocate.  At this point we used to go out for meals and drinks frequently and have a lovely time.  After a little while, though, we started having problems when we had a drink.  He seemed not to be able to judge how much he could/should have - he just carried on drinking until he passed out.  I had to physically carry him home twice.  He would also spend huge amounts of money when drinking, sometimes buying drinks for everyone at the bar, spending his entire wages in a night.  
At some point in his drinking he'd start slurring and his personality would alter subtly.  He could get desperate or angry, or just not himself, which was quite scary for me.
I also found out around this time that he was using phone chat services to have phone sex, exchange nude photographs and arrange meetings with other girls, although he never actually met any as far as I know.  I was very hurt at the time as we had been playing on the phone too as we were long distance dating, and he had been sending the same messages to other girls.  I broke up with him over it but he was very apologetic and explained that he'd been lonely before we met and that's how he'd got into those chat lines, and we got back together.  He stopped using them briefly but then started again, with a vengeance.
Once I moved in with him his drinking seemed to get worse.  I would be reluctant to drink with him as I was worried by his personality change.  This would happen maybe once a week at this stage.  If we both drank we would end up having a big argument.  I realised later that actually it was just him pushing all my buttons to get me to argue with him - I would refuse to argue or leave and he would still go on and on at me until he got a reaction.  He knew me well enough that he could make me go from normal to screaming in rage in about 3 sentences.  He seemed to get a kick out of the arguments and once said that they "made him feel alive", but he did not agree with or even remember many and sometimes all the things he'd said to me.
I had never encountered anything like this before so I didn't know what to do.  What I did was not drink with him as I did not find it relaxing or enjoyable.  He didn't like this as I "cramped his style".  If I ever suggested he should stop drinking or want to leave a bar, he'd get mad at me.  On occasions I just left and he didn't notice, or if he did he'd forgotten by the morning.
He also got increasingly controlling, not liking me to speak to other people particularly men.  This may have been just a reaction to his previous partner leaving him and getting into another relationship the previous year.  They lived together for nine months after splitting up and he found out later she had been seeing another man during this time.  However, their split was over the fact that he'd had an affair she found out about, so I could not see why her behaviour, dating after their split, was considered so aberrant.  Also, he continued to have phone sex with other women and trying to arrange to meet them.  I felt it was unreasonable for him to want to be in an open relationship but not let me even talk to men.  At the same time, I tried not to be in situations where any gossip could be created, so I would not be alone with any male friends.  I became very jealous of him when he was flirting with other girls, as I knew he was lying about being in touch with is ex girlfriend and other new phone buddies.  He was spiteful of my morbid jealousy and would berate me for it.
His behaviour towards me got worse - he was blatantly spending more time and effort speaking to his phone sex buddies than me.  Once he sent me a text intended for another girl, then refused to admit it.  He would completely blank me out at home but grow very resentful if I phoned or texted my friends.  I ended up keeping my phone on silent because he'd get angry every time it rang.  We stopped sleeping together as he would not touch me or let me touch him, and also he wet the bed when drunk.  He very rarely wanted to have sex with me.  At the same time his drinking binges got more frequent.  
He also went out drinking on his own twice and got beaten up - I believe he subconsciously engineers these situations as a form of release.  He just goes on and on at people and does not shut up until they smack him.  His previous partner apparently got physical at him several times, sometimes in front of their child.  I thought this was part of her personality, but I came very close to smacking him once and ended up punching the wall to stop myself, and that's not anything like normal behaviour for me - he can really manipulate people's emotions.  Twice when I was with him he started going on at a third party, and I managed to defuse the situation.  So I made doubly sure that we were never drinking together as I feared things may get out of hand.
His drinking also got worse and worse, with more frequent and worse binges.  Then he started throwing me out of the house when he got drunk, which really did my head in.  I am talking up to 3-4 times per week here.  Eventually I got a van that I could stay in when he threw me out, or retire to when I could see a bad night coming. He seemed to think this was me not being fully committed to the relationship and somehow betraying him.
I was very attached to his three year old daughter who would be with us at weekends.  We get on really well and really love each other, and she has often been upset because she'd rather stay with me than go back to her mother.  At the start we had a lovely time all three - he loves her very much and misses her hugely.  I would play with her during the day when he was at work and then in the evening we'd all spend time together.  Then he started acting peculiar when we were together, seeming to find fault in everything I did or said (and I'm talking really petty things) and running me down in front of her.  I have not had children of my own so I partly made things up as I was going along unless I knew how either of her parents had been doing things - however, I have never willfully made a mistake in how to care for her just out of silliness or spite.  I tried to discuss with him that I believed the way he treated me in front of his child was unhealthy, because she started mirroring him and being horrible, or seeming confused as to how she should act towards me.  I thought it may also shape the way she believed it was appropriate for men to treat women, which I really didn't like.  He did listen to me that time but his reaction afterwards seemed to be to just not be with us together.   His behaviour towards her also seemed to change, with him pretty much ignoring her most of the time and leaving her in my care, occasionally wanting to spend time with her but never with us both.  I found this disappointing - much as I love her dearly, I took care of her so he could have access to her, but then he just left her with me.  I felt if she wasn't spending time with her father really she should be with her mother, not a relative stranger.  I also felt wounded because I wanted us three to be a family, but he seemed not to bear being with us both together.   One night I ended up sitting outside the house waiting for him to pass out so I could come back in and put her to bed as he'd come home drunk and started having an argument when she was still awake.  I was scared to leave her with him unsupervised but also scared to have her witness a potential argument between us, or just him getting verbally abusive at me.
He then started throwing things around the house when drunk, which could be quite scary.  He never hit me, but it is frightening to have a grown man drunk and out of control smashing bottles around the house.
In the mornings whenever he sobered up he would refuse to discuss his behaviour, because "yesterday is history and today is the first day of the rest of your life".  He kept telling me I should ignore what he said when he was drunk, which I could not see how I could do when I was having to leave the house in the middle of the night, sometimes in front of people.  
I was very tired and sleep deprived by this time because when he was out drinking I was too stressed to sleep, then he would come back and we'd have an argument and afterwards he'd pass out but I'd be too upset to sleep, then in the night he normally would pee himself and wake me up because he was wet and wanted to get on the sofa where I was sleeping.  He'd go back to bed but I couldn't.   So maybe I had 3-4 hrs sleep on his drinking nights, and that was not continuous sleep either.
It took me a while to realise that he genuinely has no recollection of what he says when drunk until the next time he has a drink - it's like he has a complete split personality, with a second him that only comes out when he's drunk.  But when he is drunk he speaks coherently and logically and holds his arguments very firmly.  I found it harder and harder to judge when he was drunk as at the start of our relationship he would slur and wobble, but later on, when he was drunk more often, he didn't.  However there are certain terms and catchphrases he only uses when he's been drinking.  He literally becomes a different person.
Eventually we had one episode when he got drunk and started trashing the house because he wanted to meet a girl that night in a town too far from where he was - I'm talking the other end of the country.  He had never met her before but absolutely had to get there to see her that night, although she'd not agreed to see him.  I was actually scared of him as he was completely out of control and flipping dramatically between incoherent rage with me and sweet nothings with her on the phone.  He was like a man possessed so I facilitated him going off to meet the girl.  He left with no wallet, no documents, not enough money to get there and back and disappeared for 4 days without getting in touch.  While he was away I moved out.  Things had got a bit too eventful, I thought someone was going to come a cropper and it was likely to be me.
He tried to meet me when drunk to have an argument for the first few weeks, but I either refused to see him or if I could not avoid him I would refuse to argue.  He tried to get back with me a few times (both when drunk and sober) but I refused.  He also proposed to me and I said no.  However we have on and off had sex since our breakup, although now I've moved away so I'm safe from that temptation.
His job is very stressful and relentless, he does not eat or sleep properly and he does not take good care of himself.  I believe he is manic depressive as well as a sex and alcohol addict, and the stress in his work feeds his mania.  He also has some sort of issue with telling lies, which he does for no valid reason and almost constantly, even at times when it's not necessary or he's obviously going to be found out.  I ended up having no idea what was the truth about anything as he would tell me anything and its opposite within minutes.  This is both when drunk and sober.
He was a victim of emotional neglect from his family from an early age, and serious and repeated sexual abuse as a child.
The problem is that I read the story above and it's apparent to me that this man is no good for me or anyone else and the situation I was in was bordering on the domestic abuse.  However, I was really in love with him, and when he is "on form" and actually being happy with someone he is the most wonderful man in the world.  He is intelligent, articulate, tactile, seems confident and happy in himself, is generous, attentive and frankly just fantastic.  He made me feel absolutely wonderful when I was with him at the start.  I also really love his little girl and she loves me, and it breaks my heart not to be able to see her.
I would drop everything I'm doing and go back with him tomorrow if he asked, which I think is extremely unhealthy.
I do not believe he has any interest in "getting better".  He insists he enjoys his life as it is, although it is a miserable, barren existence and he often complains about it.  All he does is work, which gives him a kick because he's continously having to resolve impossible situations, and then drink to forget about work and be able to sleep.  He has little access to his girl since she came to visit with her mother and he got drunk in front of them, which made her mother understandibly unwilling to leave her in his care.
Despite the fact that he's treated me like shit, I don't know how to get this guy out of my head and heart.  I believe if he was not ill, damaged, possessed or whatever you want to call it, we could really be good together.  Because of this stupid belief I still want to be with him, although so far I've been strong enough to get away.  I made sure to find a job far enough away and that would keep me busy so I would not pine.  We have been split up for three months now, but I still love him.  In fact, the less I see him, the more I seem to forget the mad, horrible times and remember the long-gone good times.  I would like to get over him and find someone with whom I can be in a fulfilling, healthy relationship and have a family.  However I'm reluctant to start dating when I'm still in love with someone else, as it seems grossly unfair on the person I'd be dating.  Why am I still in love with someone who has treated me so badly, and whom I know would do the same again?
Help?  Please?

ANSWER: Hi Anna,

The reality is that this guy is an alcoholic, a cheater, an abuser and many other things and you know all of them. The problem is that although you're aware of all the flaws, when he's nice, he can be very very nice, and that sucks you back to believing that he's really not 'such a bad guy'.

This is what we call co-dependency and alcoholics often get into codependent relationships.
Here is more information on this:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/codependency_relationship.html

Codependency is not healthy and the relationship will damage your self-esteem and self worth and often much more.

The craziness about co-dependency is that you know it's wrong and it's hurtful, but you're drawn to it. Don't communicate with him and stay away. There's nothing he can say that you have not heard before. Staying away is helpful.

Focus on yourself and your work.  If there are co-dependency groups in your area, join them. If you need counseling to help you move on, look into it.

It's difficult but not impossible to get out of a co-dependent relationship. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship, not tormented the way this man has upset you.

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi,
I agree entirely and I will look into your solutions.
However, one thing is weird.  I used to have very low self-esteem, and after all this mess I am a mush more self-confident, self-reliant, extrovert, happy person.  It's as if by going through all this I have proven to myself that I can cope with a lot more than I thought.  It might be this, it might be something else, but either way I feel much better!
Can you shed any light on this? it's a bit strange to me
:-)
Thank you again.

Answer
Hi again Anna,

Seems you've done quite a bit of soul searching and understand the situation. In the process you've come to realize that you are not the problem. GREAT!! It doesn't usually happen this way.

Go out, go on dates and don't feel guilty about it. You may not find anyone for awhile, but you'll be headed in the right direction. The more you include new people in your life, the more he'll become a distant memory.

Regards,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com