Expert: Clyde - 11/23/2010

Question
Dear Clyde

I believe my husband has a drinking problem, I will try my
best to explain my situation to you and would appreciate any
help/advice I can get get.

When my husband and I first met we would drink socially, we
were young, early twenties, it was fun as it always is and I
never really noticed that he had a habit, there was always
an excuse for his drinking, it was either a holiday, friends
were coming around, he was going through a stressful period,
or we were going through something, but because I was
drinking on occasion, I did not notice, or keep note of
things... I mean who really does when they having fun right?

So we got engaged and I asked him the one day, am I marrying
an alcoholic? his answer to me was no, don't worry I am just
stressed (he was working two jobs, he was looking after a
guys website and wasn't enjoying it) so I excused it, I felt
bad for him and thought ok I am overreacting, so I left it.
I had just left my second job and I knew what it felt like
working when the other person was at home... it's not a
great feeling and I had to  stop working at the
bar/nightclub as it started interfering with my day job and
I needed to focus as my career was finally moving in the
right direction.

I found out that I was pregnant two weeks before I got
married, so I stopped drinking and smoking, thats when I
started noticing the frequency of the drinks.
I have turned a blind eye, I have tried to not notice, I
have moaned, I have complained, I have prayed, I have
threatened, I have hidden alcohol... you name it, I have
tried it.

But it gets better, then it gets bad again, he admits he has
a problem, then he tells me I am the one that has changed, I
have become less "fun" I am the one that stresses too much,
I am the one that needs to relax and take it easy.
He says he is not a bad husband, he doesn't hurt me, he is a
good guy, I have noting to complain about... but when he
drinks its always a wild card, he is either very happy and
easy going, or he gets mean spirited, or he has on occasion
thrown me against the wall out of anger(this has only been
4-5 times in the last few months, but hasn't happened in the
last month)
So in my opinion, he isn't always pleasant when he drinks.

If we have alcohol in the house he has to drink it, he will
easily finish a case of beer in the space of 2-3 days, he
can never just have one drink, it always has to be a min of
3-4, he criticizes me for not noticing his improvement, he
always tells me he has come a long way from the days where
he used to hide the vodka and beer in the boot of his car,
so I should be grateful.
He cannot go for more than 2 days without having a drink
without getting edgy, or mean... he can't just drink on
weekends, and when we go without for a while its like he has
to binge drink for a few days.

I have now been married for 4 years, I believe in the better
of all people, but I am starting to resent him for the lies
he keeps throwing my way... I wanted to leave him 2 years
ago, but my mom asked me if I loved him, I said yes, and she
said for the sake of my daughter I should try and work it
out... things got better for about 6 months and it feels to
me like we heading back to the days of him lying to me about
his alcohol intake.

I love this man and I do want to help him... am I crazy? am
I overreacting and have just become less fun, is it normal
for people to drink this regularly, am I just paranoid?

Please help me... I want to make it work... I have told him
I don't want our daughter growing up and thinking its ok to
drink everyday, and I told him I too would like to grow old
with him...

Please let me know your thoughts.

Kind Regards,
Anna

Answer
Anna,
  Thank you for your questions and the lengthy explanation of how things are in the family.

  I must let you know that anytime a person physically attacks anyone it is a sign of deeper psychological issues beyond the drinking habit.  You have indicated that this man has thrown you against a wall multiple times.  This is not acceptable and you need to find the means to leave this relationship, for the meantime, for a safe place.  If this is not done you send a signal that the abuse is acceptable and risk even more abuse.  You must take this seriously.  It is evident that he is not.

  He does exhibit many tendencies of alcoholism but get this issue taken care of first, find a safe place and begin to make him understand that you will not tolerate the abuse.

  I hope you will give some serious thought to this.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde