Expert: Druideck - 12/22/2010

Question
My husband is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for nearly eleven years. Before we married, a year and a half ago, he was very open and honest about his past. He even took me to a few AA meetings, including his nine-year sobriety celebration.

I have noticed that he tends to become "addicted" to other, more socially acceptable, things. After our wedding he gained forty pounds, and then last winter he went on a diet and exercise program. While this is certainly not a bad thing, he became obsessed with counting calories and would spend four hours a day at the gym. He lost ten pounds.

In the spring he gave this up (and gained back the weight) to take care of our yard. He planted new grass seed and again became obsessed with watering his "seedlings" at the same time every day. When I asked him to meet me at the gym, he said he could not because he had to water his seedlings. Needless to say, I hit the roof.

I have also noticed that when he goes grocery shopping he tends to over-buy, stash the food in the pantry, and then forget he has it, resulting in more buying. I have found bulk candy hidden in the guest room closet, and I have confronted him with it. He has promised me several times that he will go back on his diet and work out (reasonably), but he always has an excuse for not doing
it. His cholesterol is high and that worries me. Frankly, I am physically unattracted to him because of his large and flabby gut. Our sex life has suffered as a result.

He refuses to throw anything away long after its use is gone. Our attic and storage room are filled with junk he never uses, including a large box of past issues of Car and Driver magazine. My sewing room closet is filled with old shirts he never wears, yet he refuses to donate them to a charity.

I guess my question is, are addicts always addicted to something after they give up the destructive addiction?

Answer
Hello Laurel,

The behaviour you are describing is
related to an obscessive-compulsive
disorder which is somewhat similar
to addiction.

Some alcoholics do switch addictions
and they can be destructive in their
own way depending on the chemical
or the behaviours associated with
the obscession.

Obscessions are the mental component
and compulsions are the physical
urge to repeat the behaviour.

It is important to recognize the
harm these obscessive behaviours can
inflict on those around you
as well as yourself.

As in alcoholism denial is a strong
part of obscessive/compulsive behaviour.
You have to be able to admit the
problem to treat it.

Often it is preferable not to drink
in the alcoholics case than to
worry too much about some other
obscessive behaviours.

These behaviours are often rooted
in fearful thoughts or low
self esteem which results in
perfectionism.

He may have issues with accepting
himself and harsh judgements of
his self image. His insecurity
is likely why he hoards things.
He wants to feel safe/secure.

I suggest that he practise the twelve step
program as it is by first listing
his behaviours, looking at his feelings and how this
is affecting others.

Twelve step work can help to work through
these problems over time.

I also suggest that you can also work
these steps in your own life to
enhance the relationship.
Have a look at why you are so focused
on him and how you can change your
own attitudes to improve things.
You may be obscessing over his behaviour
and not recognizing your own part.

It is hard in relationships to allow
our mates to live and let live.
We can become over controlling
or demand they be what we picture
in our minds to be the perfect
mate.

If you find his behaviour very irritating
you should talk to him about your
feelings before this gets worse.
He may also wish to see a counsellor.

Change comes slow to most people.
The important thing is to keep
trying and learn to see each other
as we are today and not as we would like
which is the future possibility.

He may do better if he learns to
relax and be less perfect as
demanding change can only result in emotional pain
if things don't change quickly.

Try to focus on what you like about
each other and your affection may grow.
We all have faults and it is easy to
get sidetracked by those and lose
our initial attraction to each other.

Luck to you both!
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