Expert: Druideck - 12/27/2010

Question
I am involved with a 39 yr old man, Rob (not his real name), who has been a binge-drinker since he was approx. 17 years old. He also used marijuana heavily while in his teens and early twenties, including mushrooms, acid and other drugs, but said that he never was interested in amphetamines.    Presently, he has been in a controlled environment for the past 5 months and has decided that he cannot drink alcohol anymore because of the legal trouble it has caused him over the years. He said that he will continue to smoke marijuana occasionally.  

My question pertains to sexual behavior among alcohol and drug users. In the last 5 years before I met him, Rob abused beer, used crack-cocaine and marijuana regularly and engaged in heterosexual and homosexual behavior. He said that he is, and has always been, faithful when he is involved with a woman.  He also said that, before we met, for every ten women he had had sex with, he had had sex with one man.  I was recently made aware, however, that his same-sex activity was more regular than he had divulged to me, but this was information shared by his primary crack-cocaine supplier.

From your experience, as well as any research that you have accumulated on the topic, do alcohol and drug users tend to engage in same-sex activity, three-somes and other such risky behaviors when they are using/drinking?  Since we have been involved, Rob was mainly abusing alcohol, and using marijuana and crack-cocaine less frequently.  I really want to ask him for the whole truth about his sexual past when he returns home, but I fear upsetting him or setting off a series of guilt feelings and emotional withdrawal before he is able or ready to talk about the past / present.  What knowledge or information do you have on the topic and how soon would be a good time to discuss these issues after he returns home? He will have been sober for 6 months when he returns. I am afraid to find out that he has, indeed, broken my trust while he was drinking/using for the past two years that I have known him. I want the truth however, or else I feel like I will never trust him.

Answer
Natalie,

The behaviours an alcoholic/addict exhibits
can vary somewhat depending on the person
and their life choices and experience.

Part of the illness involves a decline
in spiritual or moral standards.
This means that many people do involve
themselves in risky sexual situations.

After some recovery they may develop
more healthy ways of relating and
often will choose not to take such
risks. It depends on the individual
once recovery is well established.
Some people choose to live
much as they always did but may
not go to the extremes they did while
actively drinking or using.

It will be important at some point
for you both to be more open and
honest if you plan to create
a good relationship.
Addicts are used to lying to protect
there drug use. This can be a tough
habit to break. These are things
that have to be worked through in
recovery.

It may be that he has lied in the
past to many people while using
drugs and alcohol. I believe his
desire to use marijuana could
be a bit of denial creeping in.
Often addicts will try switching
addictions and be led back to their
favorite drugs at some point.

It may be good to look at your own
motives for bringing up his past.
I understand you have fears but
even if he confirms that he told
the truth how will you know he
isn't just pleasing you?
You will either have to give
up searching for truth or
accept his or the other person's
version at some point.

Trust is not something you can
obtain to make the future secure.
The only time you can cultivate
or have trust is in the present moment.
Words do not really carry any weight.
If someone behaves trustworthy
today that helps to make it seem
as if the future will be guaranteed.
The future is never guaranteed
with anyone, that is an illusion.
The best couples you know could
lose their trust tomorrow as
no one knows the future.

The best thing to do is develop
an inner security in yourself
so that no matter what happens you
will take care of yourself.
This also means having a circle
of support other than your boyfriend
in the community. This might be friends,
relatives or clergy etc.

If he lies to you then you have
others to fall back on. If he behaves
in a trustworthy way from now on
that is excellent and maybe in time
you will feel less worried about his past.
The bottom line is even if he makes
a bunch of promises and oaths
that he is honest only his behaviour
will prove it over time.

Trust is built one day at a time just
like recovery from addictions.
Talking it out may make you feel more
secure but you still really only have
today.

---------------------------------------------