Expert: Beverley Glazer - 12/6/2010

Question
My husband is an alcoholic. Has been since he was about 20 years old (now 43).  Lost his first wife and 2 year old son due to his alcoholism and drug use. Eventually started going to AA and had a number of years of sobriety.  That's when I met my husband.  Married in 8/2001 and was old nothing of his past.  Husband begged for children and when I was 4 mos pregnant with our second child started finding liquor bottles hidden all over the house. I asked his parents why he would hide rum bottles all over, and THEN I was told of his past.  To make a long story short, he has been in rehab at least 3 times while married to me, has 1 DUI (3 total), has destroyed his very successful construction business and has now left out home in NJ to "get sober" at his parents house in FL.  They say they "cant let him live in the streets."  He has been gone almost 2 months now and has sent no financial support, is barely calling to talking to our babies (we have 3 now 7, 5, and 14 mos.)  He did call two weeks ago and told me that he changed blah blah blah, but the very next day I found out that he was texting with some woman he met at AA.  They both denied any romance (you know I called them both out on the carpet!), but is this common? don't men talk to men and vice versa?? He has a male sponsor and two guys at our church up here that he talks to also. No reason to text for 3 hours with some woman in AA.  Question is--what are the chances of this guy ever pulling out of this?  I couldn't even leave him alone with our babies. I am a Registered Nurse and work 3 12's 7p-7a and I come home from work and he is TRASHED (can't walk straight) and is looking at porn. (Major masturbation/porn issues too--seems like he prefers that to real sex with his wife. As far as I know he has never actually physically cheated though.  What the hell is wrong with him. How did he turn out like this?  His behavior is Outrageous, being brought home by the police, etc. It's just too much.  I know I need Alanon--I get the whole concept just hard to go with all of my responsibilities now.  I have not spoken to him since the whole thing with this Woman from AA.  I need your professional opinion. Your credentials are impressive.

Thanks in advance for your help!  

Answer
Hi Leah,

As you realize, your husband is an alcoholic, but by going to his parents house, he's not only avoiding his responsibilites, he's being enabled. Here is some information on that:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/enabling-behavior.html

His parents didn't have to let him 'live in the street'. They should have told him that coming to their home is out of the question, that he's a grown man and he should get help and work things out with you. He could go to a friend, a hotel, there are many options but they should have made things difficult for him, so he sees the consequences of his actions.

That being said -- he should not be texting for 3 hrs with a female AA member. AA does not encourage this behavior and in fact it's suggested that a person in recovery should not even be in a relationship for a year (unless they're married of course). They have to take care of #1 first and focus on sobriety.

Your husband has many issues that have to be addressed, but the first thing is sobriety -- and working the steps with his sponsor.

Alanon would be helpful for you, but it sounds as if you're overloaded right now. You may be able to find an online meeting, which would be easier to attend, or a few sessions of counseling with an addiction professional could also lead you in the right direction.

Right now, keep your focus on yourself and the kids. It doesn't seem that your husband is doing much to change his behavior, and only he can do that. If he doesn't own up to his responsibilities as a husband and father, you must ask yourself, if you want to continue this relationship. You owe it to yourself and the family to have peace of mind.

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts,

All the best,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com