Expert: Druideck - 12/13/2010

Question
QUESTION: Dear Dru--

I will try not to make this too long.  My husband has been an Alcoholic for 20+ years.  Had a period of sobriety for several years when I met him and we were married. 4 years into the marriage I found liquor bottles hidden all over the house, and he hasn't had a substantial period of sobriety in the past 6 or 7 years.  It has been a nightmare, and we have a 1, 5, and 7 year old. To make a long story short, after coming home from work and finding him falling down drunk with the babies I put him out. He had this idea to go to his parents house 800 miles away "to get sober."  That was two months ago.  Says he is going to 3 AA meetings a day, but he must not be listening because he is ANGRY!  It's like he hates me.  He is cursing me out (luckily via text messages) saying I am mean, I don't treat him right, my family is no good, and bringing up little things from like 9 years ago as if HE is the victime of something! This from someone who has been thru 3 rehabs ,multiple hospital admissions for detox, police bringing him home multiple times, 3 DUI's.--And he is complaining that I treat him badly!  Anyway--for someone who is working the AA program, are they not supposed to be making amends etc etc, not blaming etc...?  What is all the anger about?  Does it sound like dry drunk or maybe he is even drinking again? (His parents won't check to see if he is drinking as they just can't see him on the streets--Enablers.)  After all the horrible behavior he is mad at me??? What is this all about?

ANSWER: Caitlin,

It is hard to understand raging alcoholics
but usually they are projecting their
anger outward for a number of reasons.

You are correct in your assessment of
his behaviour not being that of
a person actively working AA's twelve
steps for recovery.
Although it can take much time for
a sick self-centered alcoholic
to gain much self-awareness.

He is struggling now with the
acceptance of his problem.
He may still be in some denial
even though there is much evidence.

He may be drinking or he may just be
struggling with the emotional turmoil
of early sobriety and recovery.

Alcoholics have to work through
their denial, anger etc to reach
acceptance. Their emotional development
is stunted so they have little
strength in dealing with problems.

He will have to eventually address
all his blaming and anger in order
to stay sober.
He will have to learn how to be responsible
for his own feelings and behaviour.
This is like growing up from scratch
and very difficult.

He is projecting all his confusion and
self-hatred outward so blame is common.
Try to understand how ill he is and
don't accept or resist his blaming.
The best thing with a sick person
is to stop fighting them and they will
cool down.

Your part is to live sanely and take
care of yourself and your kids.
You can allow him to work through
his problem and you are not responsible
for him. This problem is his and you
are not to blame at all.
Someday he may come to see this
if he works the "program" and
stays sober.
Focus on making your life better and
don't take his unkind words too seriously.
He is ill and hopefully getting better slowly.
Anger is just unmet demands and fear of the future.

Druideck
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---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dru-First thank you for helping me to understand. I am a cardiac rn, and I feel as if I should already know all of this psych/addiction stuff but I am totally clueless but certainly getting a crash course, unfortunately.  I really thought he would get better and that would be it. Anyway, my follow up question is should I just not contact him, should I ignore him until he makes an effort to behave normally in other words wait for him to call me?  Would you let the babies talk to him on the phone regularly and who should initiate that contact?  He is just like poison to me and when he speaks to the babies he says stuff like "ask mommy when Ican come home"?  How do I handle this?  THANK YOU AGAIN FOR YOUR PRECIOUS TIME!  

Answer
Caitlin,

Thank you for the good feedback.
As to your follow up questions:
Should you contact him?

This depends on your desire
for a relationship and what form
that will take in the future.
If you plan to call it quits then
the only concern is settling financial
matters and child visiting times/rules.

If you are planning to get back together
then you need to know that recovery is
a lifetime process and will be ongoing
for many many years to be successful.

He will have to learn how to cope with
life. That includes all kinds of
problems and stresses.
This will be a process of emotional growth
for him and will take much work.

You will both have to deal with past
issues as well if those still bother him.
This can be a tall order for any relationship.
He will be a different man over time
and you may find that whatever drew you
together at first may not exist.

Do not let the children become a bargaining
piece for him. This is not healthy for them.
He should not be asking the kids when he can
come home, that is immature and not
acceptable in my opinion.
The children should not be involved in that way.

As I have only limited knowledge of your relationship
and it's goals or future it is hard to judge fairly.
I would say just be civil to him unless he is
talking trash. Let him be unless you really
need to talk about something.

He may using AA as a way to lure you back in.
Only time will tell. He has to stay sober
for himself regardless of what happens
between you.

If you let him move back in I see only trouble.
He needs to focus on recovery or he will die
from alcoholism. It is very powerful and very deadly.
This is how strong addictions are.
They fool the alcoholic into being passive about
recovery. Alcoholics often want their spouse
back so things can be the same as before.
This does not work unfortunately.

Take each day as it comes and get support for
yourself as you have done here by writing to me.
Al-Anon can also offer support to you.
Sometimes it takes some healing to remove
yourself from the patterns developed by
living with an active alcoholic.
You may feel an addictive desire to
contact him as well.

This is co-dependence and is like
being addicted to the alcoholic.
This is also very powerful and
can create bad situations.

Druideck
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