Expert: Beverley Glazer - 12/20/2010

Question
My sister is an alcoholic.  She has been for years.  She is not a good drinker. she slurs her words and becomes verbally abusive, she says horrible things to her son like "nannas a bitch" and "I'll punch Aunty if she takes you to nannas".  She can go on benders for days, this last week she has been on one for 3 days that I know of.  She is in her 30s and has a 5 year old child. Before she had her child, I was more than happy to cut her horrible, manipulative ways completely out of my life, I did so for 5 years.  She has driven our family away, she's just that horrible. When she needs needs something she makes claims that she wants to get help.  My mother usually supports her in this giving her money etc only for my sister to continue her bad behavior.  After my sister threatened to kill my mum, mum has nothing to do with her. The Child, I believe, is suffering abuse. He told me today that mummy just drank wine and didn't make anything for dinner.  He watches my sister and her "boyfriend" have drunken physically abusive fights.Her flat is a mess, she is a mess.  I have to stay on her good side so that I can have access to her son.He never wants to go back home.  The authorities have been alerted, but they don't care unless he is actually physically hurt.I hate having to be so deceitful and that she thinks her disease can't be a problem if I'm back in her life, but no-one can bring it up without significant abuse from her and I know she would ban me from seeing her son.  Is it OK that I pretend to like her for the good of her son? His time with my family is the most stable, peaceful time he has.Should I challenge her on her behavior or simply carry on playing make believe?
I hope this is enough info
Thank you

Answer
Hi B,

This is a difficult situation, because no one can remove the child from the home unless it reaches a 'crisis' -- and unfortunately having an abusive drunken mother does not qualify.

You and your family are a positive influence on this child, so, for his sake continue what you've been doing. You can also offer her as much 'baby sitting' as she wants etc,

Don't bother challenging her behavior, because it will only lead to war. Your sister is in denial and will defend her behavior to the end. If she reaches a low point,however, you can suggest that she goes to AA meetings, but don't get into it. Only the alcoholic can choose to make changes, and right now she has no intention to do so.

It may also be helpful for you to attend Al-Anon. The members are in similar situations and you can get ideas from others who are coping with this dysfunctional and abusive behavior.

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts,

All the best,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com