Expert: Clyde - 12/22/2010

Question
Hi!

I don't have much experience with the realm of alcoholism.   Even though I'm in my 50's.   I had a successful marriage of many years, despite the outer troubles, we were strong together.   I was widowed 2 years ago.   I rarely if ever drink, simply because I don't like to.   Give me a fresh apple over a piece of cake or a glass of wine.

Recently I met a very nice man (almost 60).  However, as I learned more about him, I found he had several DUIs the last one landed him in jail for a while.   He's sober for 8 years. And was sober for 17 years before that, even though he started drinking at 15, resulting from the death of a parent.  

Although everyone around him talks about turning his life around, redemption and 2nd chances, they then add when I'm around.   (It's obvious I like him and he likes me) he's not available (he has a room mate, not a lover or girlfriend), he's not your equal.  One group of women I went to lunch with, (several had been in AA with him) said he didn't deserve a nice, kind woman like me.   His family, friends and community seem to wrap around him to make his life comfortable and safe, but also seems like they hold him back from being more.  His behavior around his family changes and becomes like an obedient child eager to please.  He has his own successful business and works in another family business, owns a house, a car, is an upstanding member of the community and sits on the board of several organizations.   Smart, funny and kind, there are many good qualities.   He is always polite.

Somehow, never having dealt with alcoholism, I feel like I need a decoder ring.   There's something I'm missing.

I don't understand.

If someone deserves a second chance, how is it they don't deserve to even have a chance at love.

I'm not trying to be naive, I don't understand.   Could you spread some light on what is happening?

Answer
Mary,
   Thank you for your question and for explaining some of the behavior and situation.  The fact that he had very long sobriety (17 yrs) and then drank and even got some DUI's, indicates that he did not continue to heal his wounds (from childhood most probably)and manage to surmount those issues that sent him back to old behaviors - the drinking.  We are never free of the possibilities of active alcoholism as it is always there waiting to take us down when, and if, we are weak.  Weakness to the disease is usually caused from these old hurts and wounds and fears and life stuff.  That is the reason I believe we always need to stay close to a good sound healthy active program in AA.  AA'ers will keep us honest about work we need to be doing.

   Well, he has once again achieved long term sobriety but the description you provide is one that may suggest codependence.  This is a common phenomenon in alcoholics and one of the chief areas of downfall.  Codependence is defined as: “an emotional, psychological, and behavioral pattern of coping that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules – rules which prevent the open expression of feeling, as well as a direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems” (Subby 1984, cited by Whitefield 1987:29).  This MAY be a cause, I can only suggest so do not diagnose his behavior as this.  Some of your observations of his AA friends also may indicate some codependence on their part.  You can see how they would be protective of him and unintentionally hold him back because of their own psychological baggage.  

   What to do?  Well, love the man and not the behaviors.  We are not our actions, we are human beings with foibles and warts and imperfections.  That being said, if he is a good guy and a great catch for a woman such as yourself, I would say remain in there for the long haul but know that only he can decide if he needs to do more work.  When we take marriage vows we say "in sickness and in health" for a reason.  Too many divorced people never understood that the one who leaves is probably exhibiting narcissism of which they will never be conscious.  I certainly do not speak of those who had to leave abusive and horrendous relationships - I mean people who leave and devastate the spouse they leave behind for sad and sick selfish reasons.  I say that to make a point - even if he drinks again and you love him now does it make you love him less then?  I did not mean to digress.... take that last diatribe as a personal rant.

   You are not crazy - alcoholism is confusing and chaotic sometimes.  But always interesting!

   I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde