Expert: Clyde - 12/24/2010

Question
Clyde-

I'm asking again about a man who has a problem with addiction.   Has had DUIs and has had long periods of sobriety.  (refer to earlier post for details)

Anyhow, someone told me his emotional development was arrested.  That he would never be responsible nor would he be emotionally responsive and caring.  That although kind and thoughtful, ultimately, it's 'all about him'.   And that sharing isn't in his nature.   And that revealing emotion and feelings to others isn't in his nature.

Is this a byproduct of his alcoholism or just his behavior?

What are the implications that alcoholism has on behavior, responsibility?

How can two people, one with no background in alcoholism, and one who is a recovered alcoholic find a way to bridge some gaps?

How does one learn to help someone become more comfortable and safe with the idea of a possible relationship?

Thank you in advance.

Answer
Mary,
   Thank you for your follow up questions.  They are very good ones.  It has been my experience and I have seen evidence of it in 1,000's of alcoholics, that, yes, emotions maturity is stunted through the effects of alcoholism.  Further, it stunts maturity in terms of responsibility as well.  That is the sad news to report to you.

   BUT, my earlier post was intended to offer the hope of recovery that IS POSSIBLE if the person wants to enter the tough work to recover those functions and move into a new world.  The hope is always there but how do you make them see it?  You can't.

   There are just too many possibilities to even try and guess what he may be hiding in his psyche.  I am of the belief that most people will die never having known the depth of their own souls.  There are dark and troubling things in the shadow side of every human being and unless someone is willing to enter, they will not.  They will find ways to continue to hide.

   That is the reason my previous answer steered towards a person who desires to enter into relationship with a recovering alcoholic asking themselves, "What am I wanting to get out of this relationship?  Am I in it for them and the love of them; or am I in it for my own narcissistic self?"

   I hope this may help and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde