Expert: Druideck - 12/31/2010

Question
I have been married for close to 16 years; during this time, my mother-in-law has been an alcoholic and prescription drug abuser. She is in denial even though we have had several instances where she has been drunk/high around my family to the point she is almost incoherent. Her history is both her parents were alcoholics; her mother also abused prescription meds. She was sexually abused as a child by a family member. She now demonstrates depression and anxiety. She has never received therapy for her childhood abuse (nor for anything else). My husband has spoken to his father several times about his mother's drinking/pill popping, and spoke directly to his mother about her issues several times. Each time, she says she simply made a mistake, will not do it again, but that she is not an alcoholic. She also cries and claims nobody loves her. My father-in-law has begged and pleaded for her to stop, even threatened to leave her. She responds by not drinking/pill popping for anywhere from a few days to several weeks but always goes back to her old habits. After an incident at Christmas (she took two hydrocodones and drank half a bottle of wine), I decided I no longer want to be around her; I also don't want my children around her. I wrote her a letter stating that if she does not get help, she will not see or talk to me or my children again. My husband delivered the letter and tried talking to her again. She has responded that she will not be given an ultimatum, and that she does not have a problem. My FIL called me today and asked me to reconsider because he says that if I take her grandkids away from her, I am in essence taking away her reasons to live and he is afraid she will get worse and possibly overdose. My husband also feels this way. I am standing by what I said, but they are making me second guess myself. After trying so many things that were unsuccessful, I am trying to set limits and hold her accountable for her behavior. Please advise me if I am doing the right thing. I don't want my children to see her behavior and I refuse to turn a blind eye any longer. Thank you.

Answer
Hello Larecia,

If you are confronting your mother-in-law
without an organized intervention
involving an alcohol counsellor you
will only cause her to resist your efforts
of control.

The denial is part of the illness which
blinds the alcoholic/drug abuser to their problem.
This is hard to crack and addicted people
are very resistant to being told what to do.

If you have tried an organized intervention
she would either be in treatment or
she would face the consequences of refusing
help.

It will be difficult to hold her accountable
if your family is in disagreement as to
what consequences she should face.
However, it may not be healthy for the children to
be exposed to her illness and it's
symptoms/behaviours.

The final decision in accepting help is hers
to make as we can not control others for long.
Bear in mind that she is ill and if addicted to
drugs and/or alcohol she can not stop without help.
Her willpower is not enough at this point,
that is why they call it "addiction"
If she could stop on her own then she would
not be considered addicted.

Try not to let your frustration and anger
cause you to want to punish her.
She needs help, which is available through
counselling, Alcoholics Anonymous and
rehab/treatment centers.

Sometimes it is better to back off a bit
and let her experience all the consequences
of her behaviour.
Don't enable or help her to use/drink
but don't treat her unfairly or punish her
for her illness.

Be honest with her and treat her like an adult.
Explain that you do not want your children
around her when she drinks but let her see
the children when she is behaving properly.
This way she is rewarded for good behaviour.

She will have to be the one that chooses recovery
as it is difficult and no one else can do it for her.

Take care of yourselves and other than an
organized professional intervention
I can only suggest that you do not
become "addicted" to fixing her.
Recovery for her will be stronger if
she is the one to ask for help.
If this happens then do what you can,
drive her to counselling, AA meetings
or whatever she needs that is not
related to drinking.

Give up any helping that involves alcohol/drugs.
Stick to your chosen consequences but temper them
with human compassion. There are always
gray areas in any tough decisions.

Druideck
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