Expert: Beverley Glazer - 12/16/2010

Question
I am struggling with my friend. She is more than a friend, more like a sister – we have been incredibly close for 11 years. My mother is in AA, and I have been to many meetings with her - and I have no doubt that my friend is on a downward spiral. It has been ongoing since she was 13 – she is now 23. Her ‘rock-bottoms’, to me, seem horrific, to her, they are just a usual day in her life that she can laugh and joke about. While she hasn’t been arrested, or hospitalized, her normal day-to-day life is VERY concerning. I have tried to talk to her about drinking, without telling her that I think she has a problem – I suggested we go to some meetings because she ‘might find them interesting’ – she did actually enjoy the two we went to, but of course, only focused on the differences rather than the similarities and had no interest in going back. All of her drunken fuelled nights end in disaster and upset, she is a nightmare to be around, and to be honest, an embarrassment. Ruining birthdays, nights out, family get togethers, meals etc. Any event, big or small, if there’s alcohol there, the night will be ruined. I finally put my foot down for the first time ever in Septemember. I told I will not be around her AT ALL when she is drinking. I have managed to stick to this, but sadly, I don’t see her much anymore. Lately, I find it very difficult to be in her company at all, even when she isn’t drinking in my presence, because she is talking about her ‘nights out’, her sex escapades etc etc and it drives me insane to see her doing this to herself and knowing I cannot help her. There is nothing I can do. Her mother (as far as I am aware) has no idea what is going on – I feel more and more like I should tell her but I don’t want to betray my friend, and I also know, her mother also won’t be able to help her. She is planning on going travelling and I am so worried she will be one of those stories in the headlines ‘girl, 23, found dead’. She is constantly looking for escapes, sex, drugs, alcohol, travelling – anything to give her euphoria. The trouble now, is that I just don’t want to be around her anymore at all. She knows something is up, but I have been lying – making excuses. I just don’t know what to tell her, because I’m scared if I tell the truth I will ‘wake the beast’ so to speak. She is very aggressive, even when not drinking. I am starting to HATE her, and I HATE myself even more for feeling this way. Deep down, I love her so much, as if she were my own blood and really would do anything to help – the frustration is so deep, because I can’t do anything to help. I just have to watch and see my best-friend disappear. All the things I loved about her have disappeared and what remains is an aggressive, selfish, sex-obsessed, alcoholic – her defence is that she is a normal 23 old girl. I am so stuck. Part of me feel selfish for missing the old her, part of me feels guilty for not being able to help, part of me HATES myself for even considering waking away. Please help me! Shall I tell her mother? Shall I tell my friend how I am feeling? Shall I see her anyway and just put aside my feelings? I have no idea what to do!

Answer
Hi Eleanor,

It sounds as if your friend is heading down hill, but she's still in denial. She feels that 'everyone' drinks and parties and seems to be glorifying her behavior, so the more you tell her that she has a problem, the more she will become angry. However, as a caring friend, you should tell her how you feel.

Tell her that you're concerned about her and that you only want to bring it to her attention. Here is a test that can open her eyes --
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/alcohol-addiction.html

Print it out and give it to her.   She may be defensive, but don't argue. You are entitled to express your opinion.

Your friend may not actually be an alcoholic, however she's heading down that road. It is frustrating and upsetting for anyone to watch, because
there is nothing anyone can do about it. Only the person with the problem can do the work that they need to get out of it -- and right now she doesn't think that she has a problem.

It may come to a point when you no longer want to see her, but don't make excuses. You can tell her that drinking has turned her into a different person, and when she chooses to change, you'll be there for her. But right now, it's too painful for you to watch her destroy her life.

Her mother may be aware of what's going on, however, at 23 she has little control.  If she loses your friendship, it may be a wake-up call she needs move her life in the right direction.

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts

All the best

Bev
http:www.untwist-your-thinking.com