Expert: Druideck - 12/29/2010

Question
I'm 25 years old...and my boyfriend is 26. We come from entirely different families and backgrounds. He's been an alcoholic from his early teens. I started drinking around 20-21. I started drinking mostly because i was interested in my ex... a regular at my "bar" (a small lounge)... i dated him for over three years... which escalated my problem. Then i met "my bf" who was younger, good looking and fun... so we agreed to meet as "a hook up" no relationship... which was fine. but then HE called me all the time, and long story short... with no pressure from me... he moved in with him. From there it's been a constant battle of A) i've contributed a lot more financially..... he doesn't drive and for the first 4 months i drove him to work... and his paydays don't work the same... but when I get paid it's "our money" and when he gets paid it's "his money"

I see the wrong it this. I'm not asking you to spell it out. But how do I address this without... well... getting hurt.

Answer
Sam,

If you are involved in a relationship
with an alcoholic things will progressively
get worse due to the nature of the illness.

Alcohol is addictive and the symptoms which
include extreme self-centerness and a lack
of personal responsibility will not
improve without sobriety and involvement
in a recovery program like Alcoholics Anonymous
and/or some time spent in rehab/treatment.
Counselling is another added option.

If he is truly alcoholic (there are tests
online) and refuses to accept help he will
not get better at relating to you, that
is wishful thinking but not reality.

Alcoholism affects a person physically,
mentally and spiritually in a downward
spiral.

Your only recourse is to urge him to get
tested and if he is alcoholic he will need
to follow a treatment plan.

You will not be able to change him,
he has to get help for himself.

Start saying "NO" to things you do not
want to do. Stop living to please his
selfishness.

You will build more and more resentment
if you continue to help him be irresponsible.
Only help when you can do it without feeling
used. His illness may cause him to pressure
you into feeling guilty, don't buy into that.

He has a problem that involves denial.
HE must come to terms with this eventually
or your relationship is going nowhere.

If you also have a drinking problem then you
have double trouble.

Luck to you both!

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