Expert: Clyde - 2/19/2010

Question
QUESTION: I have been married to my wife for 13 years.  We have two kids 11 and 6.  I have been dealing with her drinking and everything the goes with it for most of the 13 years.  I get verbally abused nightly, she drinks and drives with the kids etc.  I am tired.  I think I still love my wife, but not sure she will ever change.  I am afraid to leave because I cannot take the chance that the courts will give her custody.  I cannot prove this problem.  My kids are my first priority.  For all of our sakes, something got to give.  Help.

ANSWER: Tom,
   Thank you for your message.

   I feel your pain knowing that she has a problem that she will not face and that she is endangering the kids much less making your life a living hell.  I hear your concern for your kids and that they are very important to you.

   Your cry for help is one that too many people face on a daily basis.  Many of those will not have the courage to step out and do something different because of fear.  I think you are there as well and perhaps you are using the kids as an excuse not to do the next tough thing.  Even saying you still love your wife may be an excuse to not face the fear.

    I hope that is not too hard to hear but I believe it is something you must face at this point.  If one steps out in faith and asking for guidance from God, one will find that all the worry and angst was nothing more than fear.  If you can really look at why you are afraid to do something then perhaps you will be able to make a move.  Any move is better than just sitting where you are.

    First alternatives - your vows of marriage were for sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, till death do you part.  This is one of those kinds of things that the vow includes.  Is it right that she is in the throes of a disease known as alcoholism and won't do anything about it? No.  Is it right for you to stay and suffer because of her alcoholism? Not completely. If you have not done so already (and you probably have# then I suggest that you begin to lay down the law to her as to what the consequences are for continued bad behavior and failure to address her issue.  The possibility she could lose the children should be made known to her and that you will seek full custody. It does not matter if she says she will win - you have to make a move.  Addressing her alcoholism and laying down the rules of the future is the right thing to do. If she has not been told to seek out alcoholics anonymous, then she needs to be told now.  By making these rules known, you will have made known to her that you are serious about the situation.  Then you can make a decision about your vows - do I stay married or do I leave?

     If you reach this point and say you are leaving then this is alternative two.  Begin the formal process of separation and divorce #if it has to come to that) and do not look back and do not use any excuses for making this decision.  The kids are not to enter into the decision NOT to move forward with separation.  If she will not address the alcohol problem chances are she will lose the custody battle anyway.  If she endangers the kids while drinking, by all means, have her arrested for child endangerment.  It might be just the ticket to get her to look at herself.  Clearly, you must look out for the well being of the children without considering her embarrassment, humiliation, etc.  This is her issue not yours.

    I see these are your alternatives.  Either way you will be moving in some direction rather than sitting in fear.

    I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde

    

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you.  It was very painful to hear.  She has been involved with AA several times, but does not stick with it.  We have tried counseling and when it gets hard she wants to stop.  My next question is what is child endangerment?  How would I go about that?

Answer
Tom,
   Thank you for the follow up information and your question.

    I am glad to hear that she has tried AA; not so glad to hear she can't seem to stick to it.

    The active alcoholic is just too set on narcissism (thinking only of themselves) and they can not begin to fathom they have a problem.  Many need to be catapulted so to speak into the next dimension in order to get anywhere with honesty.  If she will ever read the Big Book and get a little honesty she would have a chance.

    Most people who can not begin to accept that alcohol is in control of their lives, are unwilling or unable to get past step 4 - "made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves" and step 5 follows with "admitted to God, ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."  These are just too scary to even think about doing let alone understanding what it means to do them.  I suspect she is here in a program step.

    And you must understand an alcoholic drinks because they like the effect it has on them.  The physical side is a craving for the liquor and a mental side for the emotional and mental relief it gives.  She may not want to give it up.  Maybe it tastes too good to even think about never having it again.  She must grieve the loss of her best friend - alcohol.

    But, you didn't ask about that.....


    You were interested in child endangerment.  Anytime we put our children at risk in any situation or behavior we are endangering them.  A sane, rational person would recognize these type of situations and behaviors - a drunk will not be able to discern the error.  She will not understand that drinking while driving with her kids in the car is unsafe and risky.  She could have an accident or even get pulled over and arrested and put them in danger but having them hauled all over town to jails and protective services, etc.  This is not something that will register. She will need her "fix" and invariably responsibility for the kids will interrupt her drinking desires and she will drive with them in the car.

    What I am suggesting is that if you know she is impaired (under the influence) you need to tell her she may not take them in the car.  If she does, then she needs to know that you will report her and have her arrested.  This threat will probably go unheeded.  But you will have warned her of your intentions.  If she drives even by herself, you could and provably should report her anyway.  These steps will be difficult to do because you love her but when it is all said and done it is the right thing to do to protect her, the kids, and society.  Think of the person and their family if she kills someone!

    That is simply how you would go about it.  If you do and she is found to be impaired this adds to your evidence in a custody hearing to gain custody of the kids - what you say you want to have happen.

    This may all sound pretty mean to do to someone you love but give it some thought and know that many an alcoholic who is now sober had people in their lives who did these smart things and now they have family back together.  of course, there are the stories of those families who broke apart and will remain estranged till all are dead but do you want to risk living a miserable life till you die?

    I hope this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde